Today is a weird day… my morning went by so quickly – the boys were insistent on making lots and lots of Easter projects… we coloured eggs and then drew our own designs, played with foam stickers.. wrote on the letter boards with dry erase markers and even used the boys’ computer.. then at 5:30 we headed off to THE MALL and had dinner, checked out carseats for Trinity – without luck, bought a new shirt for me for Easter Sunday (tradition – new clothes, though I am recycling the pants), stopped at Chapters to buy manga… YAY… I also picked up decorations for Trinity’s party (oh lord where did the time go?) and a small toy for each of the kids coming to the party… then we stopped at Toys R Us where I found the carseat *I* want… but Ken wants to wait on the Thursday flyer to see if it may go one sale, as well as a baby monitor option… if you want it to actually work they get so expensive and Ken does NOT want to have a tv monitor attatched.

Then we got home and I found out that a good friend of our had some bad news… her twin passed away from cancer today at 2:12pm.. she leaves behind 5 kids… not even to her mid 30’s.. how is that a full life? Why does someone who still had so much to do have to leave? and after quite a bit of pain and suffering? Why do we then have to be unselfish and say things like "at least she is no longer in pain" or "she is in a better place now"? I understand with my mind why we say these things but the heart is fickle and wants to say "BUT we are left behind"! What would I do if it was my sister? I just can’t imagine and this is a TWIN issue – identical twins.. my boys didn’t do so hot at the age of 2 when Zander had his seizure and was in the hospital for 5 days, by the end of it Gavin was suffering… I have a friend in Ontario who had to say good bye to one of her twin babies before they even got to go home so her daughter has grown up a twinless twin.. I wonder if she instinctually knows… that twin bond is so different from a sibling bond, very precious.

My grandma’s husband is dealing with cancer… the chemo didn’t work so now he is onto radiation… it just seems more real.. he is older, which does not make it easier or better or right but you can say AH ok so he has this to work through.. when it is someone so young and with so much to do the thought is how unfair how unreal.. why is that? Why is it that we seem to hit a point where it is graspable that someone is sick? Shouldn’t it always be unfair and unreal?

I guess it is still something I have to digest.. her Facebook profile is still there, the group that was supporting her.. granted the group mentions she has passed but you almost expect there to be some sort of change to everything. Like once a person passes the world takes notice and stops whatever she had going on.

Does this post even make sense? At this point I don’t know that my own thoughts make sense.. I couldn’t imagine having to leave my 4 to be raised by another, heck I can’t even leave Trinity for longer than a couple hours right now with the breastfeeding. Do we ever truly appreciate that we have this time? This afternoon my 3 boys were driving me mad shouldn’t I feel lucky that I am here to experience it… well I am rather sure I won’t ever feel overly lucky but at the same time I can treasure the moments AFTER and BEFORE that one… I have been doing a picture a day for the year and I think that is helping me to really see more joy in my life… maybe that is what we all need – to embrace the joy before we HAVE TO accept the pain?

I called this morning and they scheduled us for 2:10 this afternoon for Emanuel’s ECG…. there is a combination of fear and anticipation with a definite wish I could go in his place! Ken is going to take some Pocoyo books and the camera… and then off to a treat afterwards. While we will not get answers right away the information will go to the doctors who can make some sort of judgement. I take great hope in the fact that he is one healthy and active little boy who is growing like a weed. It boggles the mind that we are making so many appointments for the child that looks and has been the healthiest…

So wish us luck! 2:10 PM TODAY!