Crazy or Not?

A common theme in conversation when we ladies get together seems to be questioning whether or not we are over reacting about this, that or the other… Are we simply hormonal? Lacking a sense of humour? Well… the blog The Good Men Project has an answer… and that is the term Gaslighting… This was a new term for me. You can read the blog entry in its entirety HERE titled Why Women Aren’t Crazy.

This is how The Good Men Project explains it…

Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.

The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.

Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid” or “No one will ever want you” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged.

Yashar Ali, the author of this article gives us some examples of this response to what he is labelling as not always intentional or directed gaslighting:

You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!

It is the placement of emotions as a negative thing, a burden on the women in our lives. The idea that feeling something or believing something is diminishing. That you are simply over reacting, too sensitive… the words that may be said to distance the individual from a reaction or feeling they simply can’t deal with or see as something too feminine, too minor to be important.

The author has his own impression of this phenomena and admits that he too is not innocent of it.

I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy”

I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends—surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.

While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It’s about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.

When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.

Simply put, we raise our boys to be tough, to not cry, to diminish all things “feminine” and “weak”… this to the detriment often of girl’s and women’s sensibilities and mental well being. We are conditioned to diminish that most basic and primal, our emotions, our beliefs and our compassion. I love the quote he uses from Gloria Steinem:

“The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”

It is up to us to raise our boys (and our girls, as we are all guilty of diminishing at one time or another) to not push those emotions, thoughts and reactions down deep and ignore. As the author suggests:

So for many of us, it’s first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.

So let’s remember that when someone reacts to a statement in an emotional manner they are not automatically “too sensitive”… that tears and frustration are legitimate. Crazy is not the solution, the answer and the weapon… we are not crazy, we are gloriously sensitive, meaningful and FEELING individuals and that is just fine!

We all have our own sort of fantastic crazy!

We all have our own sort of fantastic crazy!

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