I try very hard to be an understanding and supportive partner. I think for the most part we all do. But in the case of illness, can I truly understand? This is a question I struggle with often. The most “depressed” I have ever felt is really reflected in my previous post in this series about the “Sads.” I have never felt the pull to hurt myself, to end my existence. My sadness and anxiety, though equally relevant is fleeting and often wrapped up when whatever event or trauma I am experiencing is resolved.

I have never felt like I am drowning in my self. Never believed that things could not improve (though I have questioned the length of time improvement takes). All of these experiences are foreign to me on a base personal level. BUT on the other hand… from an outsider watching someone suffer and struggle I feel like I know way too much.

Empathy, sympathy and compassion are three very different things.

• Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
• Sympathy is feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune or an understanding between people; common feeling.
• While compassion is sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

Empathy in the case of someone who has not experienced true extensive depression is not really possible. I have to rely more on sympathy and compassion. Compassion is key in a relationship where you simply are not able to put yourself into their shoes. Really, I don’t think Ken would ever WANT me to have that ability. To have someone in the family who can stand up and say I see optimism and joy, I see future and possibility. That is a gift.

My gift to my kids and my husband is that I can sit back and smile, I can find happy in the sad. I can show compassion in my actions when made aware of need. But it is a careful offering. Pity is not what someone who is fighting for their mental well being needs or wants. Reaching out, being an ear or a shoulder for tears, this all has to be offered without a poor you mentality.

Understanding isn’t always possible but it also isn’t necessary to have compassion and be supportive. I don’t know that I will ever understand what is going on in Ken’s head, not entirely. BUT I can listen, I can offer up help, suggest changes to our routine and be open to work towards a greater level of understanding.

So I will never understand completely what Ken feels/felt and has gone through. I can understand what is explained to me, try to comprehend from a removed position. But I will never be able to walk in his shoes. And for that I am both grateful and a bit sad. I want to be as much help as I can, but as Ken has told me… sinking down into depression so I can understand at that basic level is NOT a help. Sometimes it is not just that I cannot understand but that it is better that I DO NOT.

My goal is not to strive to understand but to strive to accept and to show compassion and patience. I want to be a support and to be a support I don’t have to have walked in his shoes, but rather be willing to be there for the journey onward. A compassionate shoulder, a quiet and supportive ear. I can be a foundation support while he builds a whole new structure around his new set of goals and healthy choices. 

Goals and love… seems to be quite the common pairing for us! I hope that anyone who is going through this is aware they are not alone! As always, I would love feedback!