Introspection is a Dangerous Ability…

Well life is never calm and level in the Reinsch-Johnson family… and for reasons not meant to be shared at this point in time Lisa has found her self once again introspective and questioning the reality of the life we have chosen and the world we live in… never the reasoning behind having these 4 dear children or the wish to have that elusive 5th (yes I know my head should be examined) but so many other variables in life – both under our control and not that are so difficult to face or fathom.

Ken likes to say that things happen the way they do because HE is involved… my dad always says you are not given more than you can handle… I like to believe that it is the tests, trials and tribulations that have made me who I am – my family’s breaking up when I was in high school, my dad moving south… the kids’ different medical issues we have dealt with over time… our dream of owning our own house being pushed back further and further more times than I like to think about… all of these things have made me who I am… although I must admit in order to get there a lot of tears and sharp words and frustration has had to occur.

So the question maybe is not "why us?" but "how can we face the newest trials with dignity?"…. especially when all I want to do is lay on the floor, drum my heels to the ground and cry like a baby. Why oh why did we not appreciate the release that is the ability of having a full out temper tantrum when we were young enough to do so without more than the usual raised eyebrows? I feel like Sarah running the "Labyrinth" screaming out at every turn – "it’s not fair!!!" But then the reality is that life is NOT fair, we all have our problems.. our personal hurdles to jump… or own demons to face. I know I DO feel a sense of relief and comfort that I don’t have to face my problems alone, but at the same time there is a certain level of fear and discomfort that in turn I trust him with my life and that of our children. Ken is more than capable but I was raised to look after myself… to NOT depend on others to bail me out – as often times there WASN’T someone in the wings who had the ability to do so. It is funny how you go from feeling relatively alone in the world to almost overwhelmingly with so many people… there are 6 of us now in each and every situation… life is definitely NOT lonely but I certainly do not have the control I used to over everything… and somehow I think… when I step back and look at things… that that is a GOOD thing. Ken balances me out and I him… the children make our lives all the richer and force us to face reality and issues from a different, more innocent point of view.

So what is this entry in the grand scheme of Lisa’s life… I guess pretty much just a chance to be "Sarah" for a moment.. after all where better than my own blog to whine and complain that life is not fair when I KNOW for a fact that others certainly have it WORSE than I? Someday when all our ducks are permanently in a line (think that will EVER happen?) I bet we will still have laments… still see things as being horrible… maybe I will look back at these past years and realize that it IS better, that my complaints at that point are in essence as fleeting as the ones now are?

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