I have always loved that line, well part of a line, out of C.S Lewis’ The Last Battle (Narnia series)… it has always felt like life has led us onward and upward. We must press on, not sit and reflect back. BUT with depression there is always an element somewhere in treatment where there is a time to stop and look back. Figure out what may have triggered the situation, what led you to the path you are on. This is really quite necessary because if we can understand the roots and foundation of the words in our heads, the thoughts we can’t quite throw off, we can move on and find ways to create a new dialogue, to understand how not to fall into the old patterns.

BUT what about the future? Recently I asked Ken… will we always be running a current dialogue about depression? Is this the new story of our life that will never quite be closed, will it always be at the forefront of our interactions with others, with our planning? Will we always have that specter hanging over us that Ken is DEPRESSED?

Sadly, the reality is that Ken will never be… CURED… not like you can remove a wart or cure some physical illnesses. Rather, we are working for what we term “remission”. Our path is to managing and reducing the effect of this invisible illness not curing it so that he can say, well that was life X number of years ago… here I am fit as a fiddle not a random negative thought in my head.

I think we would all love a CURE. We pray and work for cures to all sorts of things, cancer, HIV/AIDS, TB… And, at times that becomes possible. BUT with an invisible illness, especially those related to mental health, there seems to be no end point. Not if  you are chemically depressed that is. Remission is management and successful management. It is the ability to realize that while Ken will never be free of those thoughts and feelings that have plagued him for years he WILL learn to embrace the process to diminish their control over him.

Our onward and upward is to a diminished schedule of therapy visits, perhaps even a lowering of drug dosage, to a new lifestyle of positive thinking, of open dialogue between ourselves and the kids about how we feel and think. Our remission is one of process and progress. Where we take moments of joy and hold onto them, relish them and embrace them while also accepting and to a degree embracing the negatives as well.

I have often spoken of lifestyle changes in this series of posts. I feel that for anyone suffering from depression, bipolar, anxiety this is a key step. One of the easiest things to do is to wallow, to fall into bad patterns and to, for all intents and purposes give up. There is no giving up when you are onward and upward. If you are sitting at home in the basement in the dark no amount of therapy is going to make life fun. If you are willing to ignore things that need to be done and embrace procrastination no amount of drugs and vitamins is going to help you get organized and successful.

I know I sound like some sort of peppy self help guru but… they have some truths in their spiels. We really are our own worst enemies, healthy or not. And I will state right now… procrastination, wallowing not just depressed/etc. people do it. We are ALL guilty of these poor behavior choices.  What Ken and I have noticed is that when it comes down to it and our brain says “I don’t need to do that right now” my first reaction is to buckle down and do it, his is to… well… not… It is not easy to embrace that do it right now attitude, even as the healthy one, I struggle often with intent to avoid and the feeling that things should not be done right now. Ken on the other hand, does not struggle (did not as he is working on this) rather he embraces it and… well let’s just say, we have had a few arguments.

So what I am trying to say is, don’t give up. Work on that dialogue within yourself that will bring you to action, remind you of your worth. Downward and backwards often looks like the easier path, but the reality of it is that the harder path is the path of the most reward. Join us on our upward path of exploration, acceptance and joy. This of course ties into the last post about finding a REASON for getting healthy. Nothing spurs on a process like a good reason.

As always I want to remind you that no matter what side of this situation you are on, suffering, supporting you are NOT alone. Myself and my family are here, in person, online we are here for you. I am so amazed by the amount of people who have read these posts, some have shared them, conversations have been started. It is all good. If you have a suggestion of a topic for a post, or a question, please leave a comment below. I would love to hear what you think about my thoughts on something that has become a permanent part of my life! Bless!

Now I can hear some people saying… why is there even a question as to what the reason is for someone getting help for depression/anxiety/bipolar etc? Isn’t it simple? To not feel bad, to not risk suicide or cutting or whatever? To be “normal”?

Well… and this is from OUR circumstances… I am telling you right now, there are OK reasons to get onto the path to healthy… ones that are used and are a starting point but are not a good enough foundation to create a lifelong path to better days… They are a starting point, a trigger to begin but they have to lead to more… and then there is the key foundation reason to go on this epic journey, the one you may find through therapy and discussion or maybe even as an epiphany one day when you are simply trying to make it through the day.

This is not my first rodeo… in fact, in the span of time I have known/dated/been married to Ken I have experienced the lows of depression twice in person and once at the beginning of our friendship via the internet/phone. The first time (in person) he hit bottom it was the realization that he couldn’t leave US… that his thoughts and the behaviour that was becoming more and more acceptable added up to a situation where myself and the children would be without him. THAT reason pulled Ken from his funk enough to seek out help, to stop the cycle and to start anew.

Sadly there wasn’t enough. It was OK that he could sit there in group therapy and say, I need to be better for my family. He could look me in the face and say you and the kids are keeping me here. I know you need me and I need you. This was a start… an opening. But at the time the resources were not there to delve deeper. We got him healthy “enough”. And the help seemed to fade away. This led to years of stability… nothing epic either way, no horrible scary lows but the highs weren’t there either.

This status quo lasted us through Echo’s birth all the way to moving south and changing our lives in a substantial way. This last part triggered this current slide south. The reason, the foundation for his changes was there but it was external. His reasoning was all based on the situation outside his own brain. The kids, myself, the house, our future… all substantial reasons… but it wasn’t the BEST reason.

The BEST reason came with a new therapist and a determination to not repeat our nasty little cycle. What we have found is that to make changes that stick, to really embrace the process of creating a sustainable life plan and avoiding the greater chances of a relapse into depression. The main reason for becoming healthy HAS TO come from within. This time around Ken is getting better for himself. HE needs to be well, not because of us but because in becoming well we all become well. Therapy (and you know I love the idea of therapy) is a look inside at the history of your depression, at YOUR history, your issues, your feelings and insights. That internal appeal is the strongest foundation you can create. Just as the bad thoughts and feelings are inside of you so too must be the drive to change.

Your family and friends are also an important foundation but the most we can do is cheer and support, we cannot change the dialogue, we cannot know that those suggestions are surging or that you feel a certain way. That has to come from inside of you.

Those “OK” reasons are amazing… the knowledge that you have someone or something dependent on you that you don’t want to let down, that you have responsibilities and a burning desire to fulfill them. All these are powerful, but don’t let the external be the sole reason. Children grow up and move away, jobs end, animals pass away… look within. Find the reason within to be strong and stand tall and find joy in life again and that is an even BIGGER gift to those you feel a connection to.

Basically, it is important to find the foundation for your health the same way you find the foundation for faith, for love, for your future: from within. There is something to be said about the saying “you can’t truly love someone until you love yourself”… you cannot be healthy for others until you realize that you must first be healthy for yourself.

As always – for those who suffer and strive to be healthier WOW are you ever amazing! And those who help out along the way – what an amazing gift you are giving. If you need a shoulder on either side of this experience I am here as is my family. And as always comments, suggestion, etc are welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read this!

Is it a privilege or something of a minor burden? I know that question sounds VERY selfish… and it probably is, but I find that as the person who is considered healthy it crosses the mind. In the grand scheme of things I am VERY thankful that I am blessed with a healthy and balanced mind (and for the most part body and soul). I have never experienced the lows of true clinical depression or the roller coaster of bipolar. I admit to anxiety here and there, but I think that is honestly a part of the human condition. We get anxious, we fight through it. Sometimes we win and find coping strategies, sometimes it overtakes us and we need assistance. Like I mentioned in my therapy blog post previously, there is absolutely NO shame in that!

But… at the same time… you are the outsider looking in, the cheerleader with no power to change the process, the speed, the outcome. There is a feeling of absolute dependence from time to time, I find. I am dependent on Ken to follow through on his process, to embrace his changes in order to attain his healthy lifestyle. I am relegated to the sidelines often when he comes home with a new strategy that only he can accomplish.

Yet, at the same time I am instrumental to his process. I am there to remind him, to support him, to pick up the pieces when something doesn’t work or he finds the burden of daily responsibilities too heavy in tandem with these new skills he so desperately needs and wants.

There is a weird experience of being silenced and yet heard at the same time. I can speak and it is a toss up as to whether or not my words will reach him at times, not by choice but a combination of his own existing issues (like the hearing disorder) and a lack of skills to process my ideas and my speed (and yes, I am well aware that I am a max level multi tasker with a high level of self motivation and perfectionism…). Sometimes it is my suggestion that is the solution, sometimes it is my confusion that exposes an issue… But at the same time, my methods, my “ways” aren’t heard or can’t be assimilated.

I know I have had my moments where I have wondered, is it so horrible, having the support… therapists, psychiatrist, doctor, people asking how you are (and sometimes even sitting long enough for it to be more than simple courtesy). Having a team and a network of people to all want you to be better, worried about you, working with you?

And then… I blink… and I remember the fear we had when Ken admitted those horrible thoughts were back. That he had plans in his head with manageable steps that would lead to me no longer having my family intact. That those ideas and such will never quite fade away. Where I have momentary doubt and frustrations he has the inability to truly walk away from it. Medication and vitamins and therapy, a lifetime of having to consciously change patterns that are easy (or easier) to ones that are safe or healthy… and all of a sudden I am reminded that maybe I should just look to my own support group instead.

And that is what I think is crucial for the one who is “healthy”. You may not have a team of medical professionals but you CAN have the ear of a friend. It is not wrong or bad or even embarrassing to admit to a good friend that the responsibilities you face weigh heavily. Or admit even to the person who is struggling through mental illness that you have fears and concerns. Or maybe visit a therapist to unload (We have gone a few sessions as a couple. It is amazing) It is hard to celebrate the victories and progression if you do not face the uncertainty and the concern.

So the benefits, when you are not sleep deprived, worried about your family and feeling guilty about not seeing how ill he really was sooner (yup still dealing with that one, even though Ken AND his therapist say that is not on me. I just love him so much and it feels like I let him down by not noticing sooner… and then he reminds me that his like max skills as deceiving even himself subconsciously when in the throes of depression), are amazing when you are the healthy one… YOU get to be there as they get better and better and reap the benefits of that. YOU are their main support and that means so much to you both. YOU are (apparently) an inspiration to him and (sometimes) others… or at least so you are told. And most of all, YOU are not chained to a disorder that could haunt you for the rest of your life. Instead you are instrumental in helping someone else break free as much as they can.

My experiences have led me to realize that those moments of “woe is me” and “why am I having to always be the healthy one” are crucial in that they remind me that I am human. I can have those down times, they are ok, they are not horribly selfish and meaningless. Rather, it is part and parcel of dealing with something so life changing and, hopefully in the end, life improving. I am not guilty of horrible things, rather I am working through my own process of healing, because in the end I was hurting too. Just my hurt is in turn healed as Ken heals himself.

So, once again… for those who are seeking help… we salute you… ok we send out tons of hugs. (I am not much of a saluter)… you are not alone, you have us in your corner… and for those of you who are supporting those brave and somewhat broken souls… well you aren’t alone either. Our shoulders are here, our ears open and hugs are always available! NO ONE needs to suffer alone! We LOVE YOU!