Tag Archive | bipolar

Being the “Healthy” One…

Is it a privilege or something of a minor burden? I know that question sounds VERY selfish… and it probably is, but I find that as the person who is considered healthy it crosses the mind. In the grand scheme of things I am VERY thankful that I am blessed with a healthy and balanced mind (and for the most part body and soul). I have never experienced the lows of true clinical depression or the roller coaster of bipolar. I admit to anxiety here and there, but I think that is honestly a part of the human condition. We get anxious, we fight through it. Sometimes we win and find coping strategies, sometimes it overtakes us and we need assistance. Like I mentioned in my therapy blog post previously, there is absolutely NO shame in that!

But… at the same time… you are the outsider looking in, the cheerleader with no power to change the process, the speed, the outcome. There is a feeling of absolute dependence from time to time, I find. I am dependent on Ken to follow through on his process, to embrace his changes in order to attain his healthy lifestyle. I am relegated to the sidelines often when he comes home with a new strategy that only he can accomplish.

Yet, at the same time I am instrumental to his process. I am there to remind him, to support him, to pick up the pieces when something doesn’t work or he finds the burden of daily responsibilities too heavy in tandem with these new skills he so desperately needs and wants.

There is a weird experience of being silenced and yet heard at the same time. I can speak and it is a toss up as to whether or not my words will reach him at times, not by choice but a combination of his own existing issues (like the hearing disorder) and a lack of skills to process my ideas and my speed (and yes, I am well aware that I am a max level multi tasker with a high level of self motivation and perfectionism…). Sometimes it is my suggestion that is the solution, sometimes it is my confusion that exposes an issue… But at the same time, my methods, my “ways” aren’t heard or can’t be assimilated.

I know I have had my moments where I have wondered, is it so horrible, having the support… therapists, psychiatrist, doctor, people asking how you are (and sometimes even sitting long enough for it to be more than simple courtesy). Having a team and a network of people to all want you to be better, worried about you, working with you?

And then… I blink… and I remember the fear we had when Ken admitted those horrible thoughts were back. That he had plans in his head with manageable steps that would lead to me no longer having my family intact. That those ideas and such will never quite fade away. Where I have momentary doubt and frustrations he has the inability to truly walk away from it. Medication and vitamins and therapy, a lifetime of having to consciously change patterns that are easy (or easier) to ones that are safe or healthy… and all of a sudden I am reminded that maybe I should just look to my own support group instead.

And that is what I think is crucial for the one who is “healthy”. You may not have a team of medical professionals but you CAN have the ear of a friend. It is not wrong or bad or even embarrassing to admit to a good friend that the responsibilities you face weigh heavily. Or admit even to the person who is struggling through mental illness that you have fears and concerns. Or maybe visit a therapist to unload (We have gone a few sessions as a couple. It is amazing) It is hard to celebrate the victories and progression if you do not face the uncertainty and the concern.

So the benefits, when you are not sleep deprived, worried about your family and feeling guilty about not seeing how ill he really was sooner (yup still dealing with that one, even though Ken AND his therapist say that is not on me. I just love him so much and it feels like I let him down by not noticing sooner… and then he reminds me that his like max skills as deceiving even himself subconsciously when in the throes of depression), are amazing when you are the healthy one… YOU get to be there as they get better and better and reap the benefits of that. YOU are their main support and that means so much to you both. YOU are (apparently) an inspiration to him and (sometimes) others… or at least so you are told. And most of all, YOU are not chained to a disorder that could haunt you for the rest of your life. Instead you are instrumental in helping someone else break free as much as they can.

My experiences have led me to realize that those moments of “woe is me” and “why am I having to always be the healthy one” are crucial in that they remind me that I am human. I can have those down times, they are ok, they are not horribly selfish and meaningless. Rather, it is part and parcel of dealing with something so life changing and, hopefully in the end, life improving. I am not guilty of horrible things, rather I am working through my own process of healing, because in the end I was hurting too. Just my hurt is in turn healed as Ken heals himself.

So, once again… for those who are seeking help… we salute you… ok we send out tons of hugs. (I am not much of a saluter)… you are not alone, you have us in your corner… and for those of you who are supporting those brave and somewhat broken souls… well you aren’t alone either. Our shoulders are here, our ears open and hugs are always available! NO ONE needs to suffer alone! We LOVE YOU!IMAG2448

This entry was posted on 18/05/2016, in Uncategorized. 5 Comments

Invisible But Life Changing

Invisible Illness… it is honestly something I never thought I would have to deal with. How can something so life changing, so detrimental to not only the sufferer’s well being but the family and friends around them be INVISIBLE? How is there no outward beacon screaming my body, mind and spirit are in pain and suffering?

I am sure that by now most of our friends and family and visitors to this blog are aware that Ken has suffered from depression for a large chunk of his life. He is termed CLINICALLY depressed which for our family means he is not simply situational (that is, if things get better outwardly… home, job, faith, etc it clears up) but chemical as well. This means that while counselling is CRUCIAL for Ken it needs to be combined with a carefully created and supervised cocktail of vitamins and medication. Thankfully more vitamins and counselling than medication but it is present in his routine regardless.

Throughout our marriage I have experienced Ken hitting what we term rock bottom more than once. That point in his life where the thoughts of failure, anger and sadness and even suicide are louder and more persistent then the knowledge that he is a good and loving success of a man. As a person looking in who has never truly experienced depression these are scary and life altering moments in my life. It is so difficult to see the one you love, your closest friend, confidant and rock be unable to truly enjoy the little things… knowing that no matter how loudly you tell them you love them and that they are a success in your mind they see failure and disappointment.

Our saving grace was communication (between us and later his therapist) and finding the most amazing therapist we have ever met. Jokingly we have said if she leaves county we go with her… but in all honesty she has helped Ken create such change in his life patterns and thought processes that I cannot seriously say we would not follow her to the ends of the earth right now.

We are lucky; Ken has always had the need to live and be with our family be louder and more persistent than the belief that we would be better without him (which for the record… he makes our lives AMAZING always has, sick or not, always will). Not so for many other people. It breaks my heart when I hear stories from friends and family about how close they have come to making a decision they could not take back, when someone tells me they or someone they are connected to has been hospitalized to get help.

We joke that Ken seems to collect people with like illnesses like a club… so many of our beloved friends and family are also battling this disorder or one like it… bipolar, anxiety… these are no longer abstract concepts but diagnoses I have discussed with more than a few people. And you know what? I am ok with that! We pride ourselves in being an open home. The kids know that Daddy has been ill, that he has been sad and it is NOT their fault. Our home is a place of safety for anyone to talk about their issues, their medication, their successes and failures. So you see a therapist? Well.. GREAT! You are on anti depressants? Thank goodness you are doing what is needed to become healthier and happier. You feel alone? Please don’t, I am here. Even if I can only be a person on the other side of the screen or a hug once in a blue moon! Come to us!

Lately I have been thinking more and more about how depression has shaped the lives of our family. Life had to stop a couple years ago so we could be there to help Ken truly get well. I don’t see this as a sacrifice but more as incentive, because at that point in our lives we were given a gift, an opportunity to work with Ken (and his therapist, psychiatrist, etc) to introduce him to a world of joy. Things that we take for granted… the highs of accomplishment, the joy of the new… these have been deadened for him. So when we stopped the world (as I like to term it) we improved life for all of us.

While it is difficult to say WHEN Ken will be considered HEALTHY on all counts, the joy I see in his process and journey has me optimistic for not cure but… remission? The voice in the back of his head telling him all those negative things will never quite be silenced, choices that are simple for me… just doing a chore I hate for example… will always require a different thought path for Ken, but we are in it together. I see my children being more understanding when someone talks about feelings or can’t describe their illness clearly. I find myself wishing I could just do a little more for those people in my life who could use the support.

This post is my way of reaching out. There is no judgement here, need an ear to listen? A shoulder to cry on? Someone to simple accept you are ill and reaching out for help? If it can’t be me or mine I hope that there is someone in your life who can be your cheerleader and support network. Depression and these other mental illnesses don’t make you less of a person, they make you just that little bit more multi faceted. And while I don’t have my fingers on a cure or a magic fix I do have the knowledge that no matter who you are you are AMAZING, you are LOVING and KIND, you are capable of SO MUCH and with the proper help and mind set so much is possible. It is for Ken, it is for my family and it is for me… We love you!DSCN1112

This entry was posted on 19/04/2016, in Uncategorized. 4 Comments