Well, June seems to have been my month of change. There will, of course, be a month overview post WHEN I finally catch up this darn blog, but I feel like I should just jump in and share my stuff.

Anyway, I finally caved and dealt with the hair that I totally fried dying it a year ago (remember the blue hair? Yah, not my best adventure). Sadly it was over bleached in places so there was no fixing it, I grew it as long as I could and then went into the salon. I chose a place referred to my by Renee, had a loose image of what I wanted and threw in a lot of trust. Snip snip and my curls are back, one product and some scrunching and my look is done. Simple enough that even I can do it, and my hair skills are… sad!!!

This coincided with a VERY busy weekend – our anniversary – number 17, and Father’s Day. This year our present was special and already introduced… Check out Momo HERE.

We went out to dinner the night before, Broadway Pizza and kept it low key. Choices had to be made… spendy night or kitten. No brainer right? My original plan was to head out to a hotel for a night, but Ken is in the middle of a massive project that also cancels our July 4th plans. Maybe in the fall we will sneak in a tiny get away? Any sitters offering???

Father’s Day was also a rather quiet day. There was a kitten to enjoy and Ken’s wanted quiet. He also made a cat post for Momo. Which OF COURSE had us to Home Depot for some small random things and Ken and the kids making Momo her own scratching post. We celebrated Dad by enjoying time together, quiet moments and working with our hands. OH and No Name steaks and brats for dinner. YUM!

My birthday was on the 24th! It fell on a Sunday so of course I ended up at the YMCA to workout with my usual R.I.P.P.E.D. class. In the morning Renee and Chris came over and spoiled us with birthday pancakes! And Renee got in some kitten snuggles.

I got in my own snuggles and nap.

And ended the day with poutine made fresh by Ken. It was an amazing day. 39 feels absolutely amazing.

Now for the final big change… I finally found the right image for myself and jumped in with both feet. My very first tattoo, and it is very meaningful to me. I chose to go with a semi colon (a symbol for depression) butterfly with maple leaf wings (Canada, of course). In honor of Ken’s and many of my friend’s struggle with mental image and of course my own roots which are deep in Canada.

Even better – Shandai, who has been with me since high school, been involved in so many of my big changes and fun choices, was able to not only help design but take me and basically hold my hand while I had it done. I couldn’t ask for a better partner in crime.

This is the face of a kitty put out cuz I felt the need to play with my niece

And the face of my niece when I had the audacity to pet the cat! I couldn’t win!

And the artist and staff at the tattoo parlor – Rose in No Man’s Land Tattoo and Piercing were amazing. I could not have been happier with Marx Berry. Amazing! And a lot less painful for the most part than I expected. No regrets here… except for 2-3 weeks of no shaving a portion of my leg in the middle of summer. Oh well, worth it!

So June has been my month of actually doing some things I have not only wanted but at times been a bit scared to do. And funny enough, my kids are super PROUD of me getting the tattoo and the day after told EVERYONE at the YMCA that Mom had a new tattoo… I joked with Shandai, good thing I didn’t get it in an intimate place!!! What a month!

July is, of course, a month that starts out with a bang with Canada Day and July 4th. It is also my mother’s birthday and full on summer activity. We went to the Zoo, entered in the County Fair, and I even made a Dragon. July is always a busy month.

This July we had family come to visit. Nana and Baba drove up with the cousins. So there was lots to do with them. 

Beach trips.

Baking and ice cream making.

Visits to the park.

It had been a while since all the kids were together. 

We were invited to a birthday party at a park!

Of course there was LOTS of time to get to know Neko-chan better. Seriously I am in love. And so you will be inundated with pictures of fluffy amazingness. I just wish you could feel her through the pictures. SO SOFT!!!

We visited with Cousin Robbie. Still a family favourite. Echo even got to sit on his bike! He wears all the safety equipment in this helmet optional state.

Of course we watched some soccer games.

Aidan

And walked to the YMCA … A LOT. Ken had a business trip in July and the YMCA being so close was a life saver.

Emanuel and Echo even won a colouring contest

Trinity and Emanuel have continued in their Karate adventure. 

We even saw some produce from our garden.

Found a Canadian penny on a walk!!

Bought ice cream from a passing ice cream truck.. a first for all of us!

I found time for Tim Hortons… of course!

Ken and I joined forces to create a lovely chalkboard in the front entry. He does an amazing job with ideas I come up with!

We even managed to squeak in school!

And did I mention I am obsessed with my chinchilla? Cuz…

It was a great July!

And I wish I could categorize it as a super power. I have always been somewhat timid, it has just increased drastically since Ken openly acknowledged his severe depression had relapsed. 

I come from a family of people with anxiety… close family members who I won’t name since I did not ask their permission, some even officially diagnosed and medicated for it. I have had conversations about how it is “in the genes”… how we could be know for it, and how we manage to make it work for us. 

My worry solidifies in plans, in back up plans, in back ups to back up plans. I categorize and re categorize everything. This includes my own health. I am always trying to be proactive. Living in the US without Canada’s universal health care has had me in a position of careful self management for periods of time.

And I have succeeded in spades. Working out up to 6 times a week has me active, removing high fructose corn syrup has my stomach aches down to a minimum, I limit my contact use, attempt to get enough rest, walk all summer and spend my time productively. 

But I worry… I worry about the dental visit I will have to finally have after an undisclosed period of time and the fall out from that. I worry that if I drop the ball on any of the above things I will trickle down to a massive physical breakdown (even though I know one less work out a week or that extra can of pop isn’t a final nail in ANY coffin). 

But it goes beyond that… I worry about Ken. I mean… ALWAYS worry about Ken. Is he healthy, is he happy, does he feel in control of his mental health? Have I done enough to assist him in his work to remain healthy? Can I do more?

Of course I also have a healthy dose of “Mommy Guilt”…. that feeling like you will never do enough for your kids. I question my parenting skills, my homeschooling, my ability to provide and discipline and love all at the same time. Will they reflect back on their childhood and see that they were loved and I did my very best for them? 

Don’t get me started on my worries about where I live and the goings on on a grand scale. What a world we live in right know.

So, I worry. And I plan, maybe over plan a little… and I love and I live and I do my very best. 

My master plan is to find a way to make my worry work for me. If it is worthy of worry it is worthy of work. This month I added a 3rd workout class to my schedule (don’t worry I still don’t exceed 6 days a week, I rather changed an elliptical run with R.I.P.P.E.D which I love… I am not THAT crazy after all). I have to wait to face the music at the dentist so I upped my dental care regime to at least keep peace of mind that I am not creating a bigger mess. The kids – well I just do my best and change things up from time to time. December is a month to celebrate according to Zander… so we are! Who says education has to be boring and lack in colouring pages? Not me!!!

And now for the biggest worry of them all (and I admit it, my own worries take a back seat when it comes to Ken’s health, it can just become so all consuming that I am still learning to let him worry about him and me do me.)… KEN… My greatest love, my dearest companion AND my largest worry. 

What can I do? Well, nothing more than I already am, so how to cope? Conversation, crochet, chocolate (cuz what doesn’t get a wee bit better with some quality chocolate?) and awesome company every so often. Yup, online and in person, I am surrounded by some of the most amazing and supportive people who get my crazy. (Or at least pretend they do)

So yes, I am a worrier, I just have yet to let the worry consume me. So if you have a conversation with me that is very wordy and full of circular discussion (like a lot of these blog posts) just realize I am talking through my worry, my neurosis as Ken likes to say. I put my worries out there so they feel less huge, less soul crushing. If someone I trust can tell me it is a tiny worry, well, maybe I can believe it too?

Do you worry? I would love to hear how you cope. Or, if you need me to, listen to your worries so you can feel heard. We worriers need to stick together, if nothing else than so we can enjoy chocolate, crafting and conversation… some of the best “C” words out there!