Tag Archive | celebration

A Substantial Milestone

Sometimes we are surprised when one of these pops up, October 23rd, 2016 marks a couple rather important and amazing milestones… first of all – Ken is now 39! Where has the time gone? I am so grateful to his parents for creating such an amazing individual way back in ’77. One year from 40 and creeping up on 20 years since I became friends with him. Life has taken us all over the place in reality and in growth and I am so in love with him.20161023_103933

The second milestone was the one that sort of crept up on us. This is the very first year, the very first birthday for Ken that we have celebrated together and had the firm knowledge that he is truly on the road to healthy. The first birthday completely unshadowed by active thoughts and concerns of depression looming over us. And that is a HUGE milestone.

We are able to look at today as a total celebration, as a reaffirmation that not only is it another year along our journey but it is another year of Ken embracing joy, potential and affirmation. We have moved beyond the circled wagons and the fear of regression and were able to sit back today and really enjoy a Ken focus day.

Which of course meant lots of sitting around and, well, gaming… or in my case, sitting around and crocheting while reading manga. To see a real smile on Ken’s face, true emotions shining out, well… my heart was full.

The 23rd marked, for us, proof of progress. A day full of moments where we are able to feel the positive effect of all the work, all the sweat and tears and careful planning and discussion that our path has brought us through. It is the fact that we can celebrate a milestone together that reminds me of how close I could have come to losing him. How precious it is that his wish to be healthy coincides with our love and wish for him to always be here with us.

Depression will never be out of our life completely. A part of me is always going to watch for signs in Ken, worry that this is something that my kids could in turn develop and need support through. This is the reality for us, for myself. And I am ok with that. With a bit of diligence and open hearted honesty here, maybe in watching out for my family I can help watch out for others? I would love to hear that there were other people out there who are also reaching unexpected milestones. 

So October 23rd, 2016 is proof positive that we are on our way. Up and down, whatever is thrown at us, that day, those moments, the laughter and the quiet peaceful together time is in my heart to remind me of our success.

I hope that everyone reading this is able to find some milestones to celebrate. As always, I like to think we are in this together. Feel free to comment or share below. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEN!20161023_191635

This entry was posted on 28/10/2016, in Uncategorized. 2 Comments

15 Years and Looking Forward to Decades More…

15 years later and the one constant in my life has always been Ken. With 5 children and a move to a different country under out belt things have definitely been an adventure, though not always the adventures we have expected. June 16th of 2016 marks our 15th year of marriage. It is hard to believe that those two college kids are now who we are today.

In a world where so much seems disposable and so many things change at the drop of a hat, this marriage has been a foundation and a constant for me. We have weathered our share of storms and railed against the “unfair” nature of things we could not always control… We have celebrated life’s joy and marveled in the gifts we have been given. There has been hope and conflict, love and good byes.

I am sure everyone is well aware that we have run the gauntlet with depression, this was not exactly an unknown for me in our marriage. We just assumed, in our naivety that Ken had been “cured” of his issues and he was able to simply follow the psychiatrist’s recommendation that he, “wean off them slowly” when he relocated from the US to Canada. Thankfully this ongoing experience and journey has created an even stronger bond between us than before. I have to admit, I was a little concerned that healthy Ken would find me less of a desirable partner than he did when he was ill and not knowing it. Well two events later and an amazing new plan and the people we are now are as attractive to each other, if not more so than those silly young things way back then.

We have experienced the lows together and come out stronger and more confident, now I can only image that the highs are going to bring us. (although we have discussed how maybe we emphasized the more difficult words in our vows a little too well… richer or POORER, in SICKNESS and in health… someone out there was listening a little too closely and has a rather rude sense of humour.)

So what can I share 15 years later? Well… we have both grown together and who we are now is most certainly altered from who we were then. Our long term goals have both stayed the same and changed and one of the biggest perks to our long engagement and intent need to discuss EVERYTHING is that we have never had that shock of OMG you don’t want the same thing… but I thought… that some couples seem to have. So I will put out there… talk about EVERYTHING, every little stinking insignificant thing… We knew from the outset that not only were we raised differently in different families but in different countries. No matter what the jokes are Canada is not interchangeable with the US. We found terminology differences, ideology differences, philosophies that did not mesh. So we talked and we talked and we talked. It was tiring at times and frustrating but it was WORTH IT.

Our love has changed, maybe not changed but… matured. Where we once had a “do it like bunnies you are so hot” mentality that I swear is common in most college age love stories at the very least… now we have a soul touching, mind melding love that is beyond the fact that he STILL is so hot to me. We love who we were, who we are and the potential there is to become something even more in each other. While so many people talked about how amazing it was for us to be together 15 years it feels like, to me, that we have barely been together a drop in the bucket. There is so much more time that we have to look forward to (world and life willing), the future is enormous and my travel partner a sarcastic, crazy, sometimes angry but loving American who has only become more amazing through out the years.

The biggest thing, I think, is that our marriage is our own. We are not dependent on our parents’ marriages succeeding, no one else around us’ relationships are detrimental to our own. That is not because they do not matter or on some smaller level affect us as individuals and as a couple, but no one else’s love has created restrictions or dimension to our love. Who you love or leave does not decrease my love for Ken or his for me. We feel sadness when someone’s relationship comes to a close and joy when we celebrate another’s love but our love, our connection is our responsibility and our choice. I chose everyday to reaffirm my relationship with affection and hard work. This comes from deep inside myself.

This does not decrease the amazing assist that seeing and being around other healthy relationships can add to my life. But, my compromises and tribulations are not a result of a turbulent marriage down the block or the fact that those two people across the state are in love. Rather it is the responsibility of myself and Ken to grow and strengthen our bond. Hopefully showing to our own children that love is a wonderful and fulfilling thing to find in your life.

So… 15 yrs later and I see no end in sight. I can only wish this sort of joy to the rest of you. Find someone that makes you happy and if that is not in the cards for you or even a priority (and for some it simply isn’t) find that within yourself, find something you love to do and do it! I hope everyone can find longevity in that be it a person or something else. Thank you Ken for finding something in me that is meaningful to you and making that a priority in your life. I love you!IMG_20160617_220542

This entry was posted on 09/07/2016, in Uncategorized. 3 Comments

When Change and Progress is Small and Slow…

Yet life changing and life sustaining…

We have experienced this first hand, with the initial rush of movement there is a lull… a necessary lull. First comes the massive (for some) realization that there is something Wrong (with a capital W). For us it was the concrete and stable plans for suicide or self harm becoming alarmingly loud in Ken’s mind, as well as his realization that he simply was not feeling Happy, not even little h happy about things. There was a lack of the life long roller coaster you and I experience of happiness, excitement, joy intermingled with sadness, anger, frustration etc.

Once the person who is suffering from a mental illness comes to this massive and life saving realization things happen quickly. Of course, I can only speak from our experience but I hope it is helpful… medication is prescribed, voluntary hospitalization is offered in case of necessity and doctor/therapist/psychiatrist appointments are quickly lined up. This is almost mind numbing in its speed. After all, the individual is admitting to thoughts and feelings that are highly detrimental and dangerous.

After this comes the medication. Ken explains it to me as a build up in his system. Amounts are determined by increase or decrease of a gradual nature and for him the thoughts are quickly quieted a little, but with it comes side effects… exhaustion, distracted thought… again a quick thing to start…

But this seems to be where the speed ends. The side effects to the medication that you gradually get used to, or diminish themselves all occur over time… The initial danger is over and the sigh of relief that comes with that but that is where the real work begins.

I know there is a saying – don’t sweat the small stuff… but I think that in the life of a family touched acutely by depression there is a new saying – celebrate the small stuff… so you all managed to get out the door to enjoy the sunshine! There is a great moment to smile and laugh. The number of naps and exhaustion level have decreased post med adjustment… well that is a great reason to take a movie night. Therapy has been gone to consecutively and found to be helpful… well that means it is time for a family walk or bubbles in the yard.

Note my idea of celebrations isn’t wine and caviar. That is fine and dandy if you can afford it, but really a celebration can be a smile, it can be reveling in the moment, taking a walk with the family, cuddling on the couch and rehashing the good stuff. There is something to be said about meditation and self realization. About taking a moment and making it stretch and giving it more relevancy.

Grand change that is swift and all encompassing are not part of the long term solution, I am afraid. Rather, this is a long haul… but it is such a life enriching, life changing and life ensuring procedure. And, if celebrated properly and shared and committed to it will change you, your family and those around you for the better.

The key is to not let go, well… there will be some bad, some sad, some angry that we can’t help but let go (in fact, it is the best choice) but the good, the lovely, the amazing, the romantic and silly… if we hold on tight to THESE moments then they will sustain us through the steps backwards, the momentary lapses and the internal rage over a process that simply cannot be rushed.

So basically, what I am trying to say is this… there isn’t this great fight towards a cure. Not for those who are not situational. Instead, it is a long marathon to becoming healthier, to becoming in control, to finding a way to manage the negative emotions and thoughts and be able to feel joy and peace. So it is not a sprint to the finish, there is no huge party at the end. Rather you are going across country… there are pot holes and cow patties but there is also beautiful scenery, friendship and a future… and all those things are worth celebrating. Every pot hole you survive, every dip in the emotions, every fall back that you recover from… EMBRACE IT! CELEBRATE IT! 

And if you really feel like you can’t, well tell someone, tell me, tell a friend… tell ANYONE that you succeeded and if they are truly on board and truly understand they will help you see your success. They will teach you how to accept praise and cheer along with you. And as they teach and support you, throw a little love their was. Because really, we are all a little broken. And together we can ALL be a little better!!!

Once again… I want to say – no one is alone. I am here, my family is here… if you need me or someone else… reach out. Well done at getting this far and GO YOU as you run your own marathon the a healthier life!!! (Again, to read the other posts in this series on Depression and our family go HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE.)IMAG0368-EFFECTS