Tag Archive | December

I Worry…

And I wish I could categorize it as a super power. I have always been somewhat timid, it has just increased drastically since Ken openly acknowledged his severe depression had relapsed. 

I come from a family of people with anxiety… close family members who I won’t name since I did not ask their permission, some even officially diagnosed and medicated for it. I have had conversations about how it is “in the genes”… how we could be know for it, and how we manage to make it work for us. 

My worry solidifies in plans, in back up plans, in back ups to back up plans. I categorize and re categorize everything. This includes my own health. I am always trying to be proactive. Living in the US without Canada’s universal health care has had me in a position of careful self management for periods of time.

And I have succeeded in spades. Working out up to 6 times a week has me active, removing high fructose corn syrup has my stomach aches down to a minimum, I limit my contact use, attempt to get enough rest, walk all summer and spend my time productively. 

But I worry… I worry about the dental visit I will have to finally have after an undisclosed period of time and the fall out from that. I worry that if I drop the ball on any of the above things I will trickle down to a massive physical breakdown (even though I know one less work out a week or that extra can of pop isn’t a final nail in ANY coffin). 

But it goes beyond that… I worry about Ken. I mean… ALWAYS worry about Ken. Is he healthy, is he happy, does he feel in control of his mental health? Have I done enough to assist him in his work to remain healthy? Can I do more?

Of course I also have a healthy dose of “Mommy Guilt”…. that feeling like you will never do enough for your kids. I question my parenting skills, my homeschooling, my ability to provide and discipline and love all at the same time. Will they reflect back on their childhood and see that they were loved and I did my very best for them? 

Don’t get me started on my worries about where I live and the goings on on a grand scale. What a world we live in right know.

So, I worry. And I plan, maybe over plan a little… and I love and I live and I do my very best. 

My master plan is to find a way to make my worry work for me. If it is worthy of worry it is worthy of work. This month I added a 3rd workout class to my schedule (don’t worry I still don’t exceed 6 days a week, I rather changed an elliptical run with R.I.P.P.E.D which I love… I am not THAT crazy after all). I have to wait to face the music at the dentist so I upped my dental care regime to at least keep peace of mind that I am not creating a bigger mess. The kids – well I just do my best and change things up from time to time. December is a month to celebrate according to Zander… so we are! Who says education has to be boring and lack in colouring pages? Not me!!!

And now for the biggest worry of them all (and I admit it, my own worries take a back seat when it comes to Ken’s health, it can just become so all consuming that I am still learning to let him worry about him and me do me.)… KEN… My greatest love, my dearest companion AND my largest worry. 

What can I do? Well, nothing more than I already am, so how to cope? Conversation, crochet, chocolate (cuz what doesn’t get a wee bit better with some quality chocolate?) and awesome company every so often. Yup, online and in person, I am surrounded by some of the most amazing and supportive people who get my crazy. (Or at least pretend they do)

So yes, I am a worrier, I just have yet to let the worry consume me. So if you have a conversation with me that is very wordy and full of circular discussion (like a lot of these blog posts) just realize I am talking through my worry, my neurosis as Ken likes to say. I put my worries out there so they feel less huge, less soul crushing. If someone I trust can tell me it is a tiny worry, well, maybe I can believe it too?

Do you worry? I would love to hear how you cope. Or, if you need me to, listen to your worries so you can feel heard. We worriers need to stick together, if nothing else than so we can enjoy chocolate, crafting and conversation… some of the best “C” words out there! 20171204_170413

December… Yup, Still Behind…

Well Well Well… December… Christmas, New Years, hilariously enough writing this at the end of Karyn’s visit when she ALSO visited here in December last year. TIMELY…. And then I got even further behind when summer kicked my bum… so NOW I will get December up and hang my head in shame.IMG_20151231_233322_01

Of course there are the basic first to think of memories… Christmas, including Christmas pageant at the church…DSCN1357[1]

Trinity as Mary

Trinity as Mary

Gavin the shepherd

Gavin the shepherd

Echo the sheep

Echo the sheep

My 2 Kings

My 2 Kings

New Years (at home and quiet with Karyn)… Visiting Santa… fun in the snow… homeschooling, of course… but beyond that I really did have to go to the images. Funny how some months you are like YAH I remember that, and others I really do need visual cues to trigger memories.

At Santa

At Santa

Skype calls with family…DSCN1389[1]

We did not have nearly as much snow as the year previous to the kids’ great disgust. But every time there was any sort of snowfall they were out there mucking around in it. Thank goodness Echo is finally able to maneuver ALONE and UNASSISTED out there.IMAG1942DSCN1396[1]

DSCN1408[1]DSCN1312[1]Now let’s see… we had a SECOND Santa visit at our local YMCA. We love it there (even more so after this summer where we basically spent most of our weekday mornings there). It was great fun to take a pictures as a family this time.IMAG1605_BURST001

We also went with the Schwartz family down the road to a neigbourhood that enters (and it seems WINS) the Christmas decoration competition every year. This year there was one house where you could walk around back in the their yard and get close up to the display you could only see from the road otherwise. IMAG1856

We had Christmas with the Schwartz family of course (yearly tradition!).

Not the best picture but it was great fun.

Not the best picture but it was great fun.

Trinity and I made a Trinity doll for Aunty Karyn to take home, she matched from the top of her head to the tip of her shoes. Not bad? My pattern was an amalgamation of Princess patterns by Kristen’s Kords.IMAG1883

We made pirogi with Nana and Baba. IMAG1952

Went out for Indian food while Karyn was here.IMAG2077

IMAG2076IMAG2075Shopped at Mall of America (because we girls are gluttons for punishment).IMAG2067

Open presents…IMAG2012

IMAG1993Ate giant Reese peanut butter cups.IMAG2040

We snuck in some learning too… a few workbook completions and reading and the larger unit I linked to the resources for above.DSCN1340[1]

DSCN1341[1]DSCN1383[1]And of course take a surplus of pictures! Enjoy my flash WAAAAAYY back!IMG_20151210_201426

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