Tag Archive | dialogue

An Active Reflection…

Lately when circumstances come up that Ken would previously react highly negatively to we find this conscious movement to reflection.

We are in a rather interesting situation at this point in our journey. Ken is what we basically consider “healthy”, his physical health is excellent, he is able to manage his mental health issues, and change is no longer a massive issue. BUT we are still close enough to the dark and scary that when something comes up… say a frustrating drive… it is still fresh enough in our minds to have us hold a discussion as to the different behaviors and reactions Ken now has to the stimulus.

I don’t know that that will ever truly fade away. I know I have discussed recognition and realization before in my blog entries. (specifically the realization that some things are just never going to go away) I firmly believe that a strong support on this journey is the ability to realize a change, the recognizing of it and the work that it took to complete said change.

We humans are creatures of habit. This makes it quite the accomplishment when something so deeply ingrained in our lives like attitude and quick reactions are altered. And in Ken’s case, significantly.

Holding that dialogue – do you remember how you used to react? Do you have to think about it, pull yourself back? Is it instant now or nearly instant? How does it make you feel when you see your new behavior in action?

Bringing up those negative reactions/thoughts/feelings/processes, at this point in our journey, serves as a reminder of how far we have come. It is a momentary stopping point to take the time and positively discuss something that once was a significant point of contention and hurt feelings in a new light. This was once our experience, but here we are… in traffic… calm and realizing that anger and misplaced frustration gets us no where but into an argument.

Being active in our bringing these moments to the focus, even just for a moment, means that we are fully acknowledging how far we have come. We are taking that moment to be IN THE MOMENT. Discussion releases any pent up frustrations on my part in regards to a period of time where Ken’s internal self destructive thoughts would come out as anger and frustration at me. Discussion also allows me the opportunity to reinforce that even if the change is slight I see it, I acknowledge it and I am PROUD of him.img_20161123_171733

Onward and Upward

I have always loved that line, well part of a line, out of C.S Lewis’ The Last Battle (Narnia series)… it has always felt like life has led us onward and upward. We must press on, not sit and reflect back. BUT with depression there is always an element somewhere in treatment where there is a time to stop and look back. Figure out what may have triggered the situation, what led you to the path you are on. This is really quite necessary because if we can understand the roots and foundation of the words in our heads, the thoughts we can’t quite throw off, we can move on and find ways to create a new dialogue, to understand how not to fall into the old patterns.

BUT what about the future? Recently I asked Ken… will we always be running a current dialogue about depression? Is this the new story of our life that will never quite be closed, will it always be at the forefront of our interactions with others, with our planning? Will we always have that specter hanging over us that Ken is DEPRESSED?

Sadly, the reality is that Ken will never be… CURED… not like you can remove a wart or cure some physical illnesses. Rather, we are working for what we term “remission”. Our path is to managing and reducing the effect of this invisible illness not curing it so that he can say, well that was life X number of years ago… here I am fit as a fiddle not a random negative thought in my head.

I think we would all love a CURE. We pray and work for cures to all sorts of things, cancer, HIV/AIDS, TB… And, at times that becomes possible. BUT with an invisible illness, especially those related to mental health, there seems to be no end point. Not if  you are chemically depressed that is. Remission is management and successful management. It is the ability to realize that while Ken will never be free of those thoughts and feelings that have plagued him for years he WILL learn to embrace the process to diminish their control over him.

Our onward and upward is to a diminished schedule of therapy visits, perhaps even a lowering of drug dosage, to a new lifestyle of positive thinking, of open dialogue between ourselves and the kids about how we feel and think. Our remission is one of process and progress. Where we take moments of joy and hold onto them, relish them and embrace them while also accepting and to a degree embracing the negatives as well.

I have often spoken of lifestyle changes in this series of posts. I feel that for anyone suffering from depression, bipolar, anxiety this is a key step. One of the easiest things to do is to wallow, to fall into bad patterns and to, for all intents and purposes give up. There is no giving up when you are onward and upward. If you are sitting at home in the basement in the dark no amount of therapy is going to make life fun. If you are willing to ignore things that need to be done and embrace procrastination no amount of drugs and vitamins is going to help you get organized and successful.

I know I sound like some sort of peppy self help guru but… they have some truths in their spiels. We really are our own worst enemies, healthy or not. And I will state right now… procrastination, wallowing not just depressed/etc. people do it. We are ALL guilty of these poor behavior choices.  What Ken and I have noticed is that when it comes down to it and our brain says “I don’t need to do that right now” my first reaction is to buckle down and do it, his is to… well… not… It is not easy to embrace that do it right now attitude, even as the healthy one, I struggle often with intent to avoid and the feeling that things should not be done right now. Ken on the other hand, does not struggle (did not as he is working on this) rather he embraces it and… well let’s just say, we have had a few arguments.

So what I am trying to say is, don’t give up. Work on that dialogue within yourself that will bring you to action, remind you of your worth. Downward and backwards often looks like the easier path, but the reality of it is that the harder path is the path of the most reward. Join us on our upward path of exploration, acceptance and joy. This of course ties into the last post about finding a REASON for getting healthy. Nothing spurs on a process like a good reason.

As always I want to remind you that no matter what side of this situation you are on, suffering, supporting you are NOT alone. Myself and my family are here, in person, online we are here for you. I am so amazed by the amount of people who have read these posts, some have shared them, conversations have been started. It is all good. If you have a suggestion of a topic for a post, or a question, please leave a comment below. I would love to hear what you think about my thoughts on something that has become a permanent part of my life! Bless!11109704_10153350636781151_3450574700329309778_n

To Share or Not To Share…

That is a question that anyone faces who has learned they have a medical condition. Be it temporary or life changing. It is not a simple question and there is not a simple answer. I know, I know… after FIVE blog posts regarding depression and its impact on myself, the children and Ken as well it is a little like shutting the barn door after the horses have all gotten out to have this discussion NOW but what can I say? Anyone who knows me in person (and even on chat) soon realizes that what comes out of my mouth can sometimes read like a random stream of consciousness. I am told this is additionally hilarious at parties where alcohol is served REGARDLESS of whether or not I am even drinking at the time. 

And while I say it is a difficult question for many, for us there was only one answer – TELL. At first that was just to simplify our lives, to give a ready and open answer as to why at the time Ken may or may not be working full time, why we were curtailing our activities, why he was gone to so many appointments when people were stopping by (often to visit the kids in Canada in all fairness).

But it became more complicated when you look at the degree of openness… do we share that Ken is gone to appointments in a frantic bid to stop any and all suicidal thoughts and or intentions? Do we allow people to know that he was offered a voluntary entry into a hospital for however many hours because when he walked into the clinic he LOOKED like he was run through the wringer? Do we share that all those appointments are therapy and not just wellness checks? That he is looking at potentially a life long dependency (I hate that term…. maybe lifetime lifeline?) on a medication that helps correct the chemical imbalance in his brain? Do we share how close we may have come to losing one of the lynch pins in our family? Or do we just say “Ken is having a rough time of it so we got some help and are moving on”?

So what did we do? How did we decide? Well it wasn’t like we woke up one day and said HEY, let’s lay it all out! Rather it was a gradual opening up… That Ken was depressed was a no brainer… depression doesn’t only affect us… it affected everyone around us. And people were worried about us… we owed those we loved some sort of explanation now that we had it so they too could understand. And that is where it all began… we wanted people to understand. To this day all I want is for everyone to UNDERSTAND. This is because with understanding we can bring about learning and once people are educated on mental health and know the signs, know the harm ignoring it can cause, they can help. 

Illness is not something that makes you an island if you don’t let it. How do we deal with cancer? We create a support group, we pray for the person, send positive thoughts, offer help and a shoulder to cry one. How can we deal with depression/bipolar/anxiety? Funny enough, the exact same way. But… and this is a big and scary BUT… if we cannot open up and share the diagnosis, share the fragility of our soul and our health, share the fear of something so profoundly life changing… well how can the support system begin?

I say all this being married to a man who can come off as a bit of an extrovert, but is, in his soul of souls, an introvert. It was no easy feat to sit there and say… life has come to a halt… we have circled the wagons and changed our lives for something so huge and scary as an illness that we see no true end to. It will never be easy to meet a new friend/family/associate and know that if we want this relationship to grow and prosper we have to make a few honest statements… 

  1. Ken has a hearing disability (we use disability as the key term as it is quick and easy to grasp) so if he doesn’t seem to follow your conversation and it is noisy (say the pool at the YMCA where we love to be) it isn’t him being a jerk…
  2. We are currently dealing with mental illness. He is doing terrific but it is a process and as such we have a HUGE knowledge of the local mental health and wellness resources. In fact, I often share how blessed we are in our county.

Now not every acquaintance is given the second statement, work associates not so much, someone at church… no… but to make good friends we have to open ourselves up… to admit to weakness is truly a way to show strength… and I believe that wholeheartedly. Those of us who appear the weakest hold some of the greatest reserves of strength and growth. I want you to know our struggle because in knowing it you assist us, you give us the strength through acceptance and interest to educate you, to share with you and to possibly give you some of the tools to see others in the same situation and pass along the help to them.

I think we fear mental illness… we truly know so little about our brains in the overall grand scheme… how they work, how they break, how we utilize them. There is still so much to learn, to adapt to and to grow. And that is GOOD! That means there is hope for those who suffer, a future for those who wish to change and a present for us all to try and utilize more of. 

So do we share? Do we stand up and say… we may not look sick but we are? Do we share and say, “Hey I am dealing with depression” (either personally or through contact with another) and see if maybe, just maybe the other person says.. “Hey me too!”? Do we open up a little bit of ourselves to the public that is scary and sad and maybe a little shy and see if we can reach out to another? Do we stand up and admit we need help, we seek help and maybe in doing so we can give others help? 

I really hope the answer is yes. Do not feel like you are weak, you are strong. You have survived so much. Be it directly or indirectly we have all survived. Ken has found new ways to be the best he can be and in doing so opened some dialogues with others. I, myself have found that in talking openly about my experiences, about the diagnoses and about my feelings about it all I have heard stories and felt support I would never feel otherwise. It is scary and it is huge and at the same time it is small and it is but a step forward. One of many I will continue to take in order for my kids to see it is truly ok to not be ok right now. Because… we WILL be ok later… 

So once again… for those of you who suffer… don’t feel you have to be silent. I and my family are here to listen, to try and understand and maybe, just maybe, say ME TOO! And for those of you who support… THANK YOU! You are life changers and miracles and crucial to the process! 

If you want to read the other posts I have written on this topic I will link them here. They will open in new windows and there are 5 of varying topics THERAPY, FAMILY, THE HEALTHY ONE, THE CHILDREN, and PROGRESSIMAG1016

This entry was posted on 13/06/2016, in Uncategorized. 3 Comments