Months, actually now over a year later I have come to reflect on the potential of loss. The fear that still remains that I could have lost the one person I share my entire life with. Depression is a scary scenario. One we will live with for the rest of Ken’s life. And 2 years or so ago I could have lost him.
There are so many people who are not as lucky as I. Ken is a strong personality, and as hard and deep as his depression went, his will to survive was that much stronger. He had plans, he had ideas, and he spoke out. This is not the first time. In our marriage alone, this was the second time we had to start over with building back up to a healthier life. I know of one other time during the years I have known Ken, back in college, that he hit this same point.
One of the reasons I look back is really to put into perspective how well we are now. Ken is propelled forward to new tasks, has the skills to work with his issues and embrace the fact that perfection is not a reasonable goal for everything we need done.
I face this reality of near loss head on to remind myself that I HAVEN’T lost him. Even though back at those other times I felt alone and isolated as he (and I) missed the signs of the severity of his condition.
I doubt that I will ever forget the feelings and fears wrapped up in these periods of my life. I am not honestly sure I WANT to. It is this awareness that helps me to be a support to him and others in the same situation. I know how quietly and stealthily this roller coaster can sneak up and overwhelm us.