Tag Archive | loss

The Reality of Near Loss

Months, actually now over a year later I have come to reflect on the potential of loss. The fear that still remains that I could have lost the one person I share my entire life with. Depression is a scary scenario. One we will live with for the rest of Ken’s life. And 2 years or so ago I could have lost him.

There are so many people who are not as lucky as I. Ken is a strong personality, and as hard and deep as his depression went, his will to survive was that much stronger. He had plans, he had ideas, and he spoke out. This is not the first time. In our marriage alone, this was the second time we had to start over with building back up to a healthier life. I know of one other time during the years I have known Ken, back in college, that he hit this same point.

One of the reasons I look back is really to put into perspective how well we are now. Ken is propelled forward to new tasks, has the skills to work with his issues and embrace the fact that perfection is not a reasonable goal for everything we need done.

I face this reality of near loss head on to remind myself that I HAVEN’T lost him. Even though back at those other times I felt alone and isolated as he (and I) missed the signs of the severity of his condition.

I doubt that I will ever forget the feelings and fears wrapped up in these periods of my life. I am not honestly sure I WANT to. It is this awareness that helps me to be a support to him and others in the same situation. I know how quietly and stealthily this roller coaster can sneak up and overwhelm us.IMG_20170407_180036_180

Fear of Loss and Regression

There are few things scarier as the spouse of a person with severe and clinical depression than a regression or a “slip up” on the new life patterns.

Thankfully my current and more recent experiences with these “lapses in change” are few and far between, but it happens. Add in work stress, deadlines, someone at the office quitting suddenly and equally quickly I see Ken slipping into old patterns. Chores undone, choices in chores a wee bit wacky (he seriously is the only person I know that, when he falls back into old destruction choices finds himself a BIGGER chore to avoid the ongoing list). All I see is a great big red WARNING sign.

MY frustration is quickly felt as household promises fall to the wayside in favour of work and stress. After all, part of Ken’s therapy is the realization that (as long as it won’t endanger the household) it is not appropriate for me to swoop in and do something FOR Ken. That gives him an out, like a child who does a chore badly to get out of it (and I HAVE experienced that, I might add). Rather, I have to (equally frustratingly) sit back and leave the chaos to rest until Ken comes round to the mental and emotional realization that he must stop running from that particular responsibility.

This is all something which, when Ken is in the moment, he DOES NOT SEE. And there is a balance there too, I can’t just scream out DO THE CHORE the second day on, he has to have the opportunity to become self aware (little heads up – we are NOT there yet… quite). Self awareness is a tricky thing. Do we ever clearly see our own actions when emotionally compromised?

There is always, in the back of my head, a little voice saying – “keep aware, be diligent.” I know I have mentioned this before and talked extensively about being the “healthy one,” but sometimes it is a hugely frustrating endeavor. I am not sure WHEN I will ever assuage myself of the guilt of missing cues. Why didn’t I see the spiral earlier on? Why was I so blind to the now obvious suffering of one of the most important people in my life? So there is the additional worry that I will be hyper vigilant or accidentally take to “calling wolf.” (are we all familiar of the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf? If not HERE)

Luckily this newest roller coaster (mini as it was) was over messes at work that were not the fault of himself, and deadlines and crazy hours (like skype at 3 am… kid you not, darn international companies!). What is utterly amazing is that every phone call, ever little WORK related deadline or promise was hit, met and exceptionally dealt with. Just don’t ask about the dishwasher issue, the pictures that need to be hung where tall people live, or the room we tore apart to paint… oops.20170214_210130

His Mountain Miss… A Book Review

From the paranormal and surreal to a light Texas romance rife with twins and now… a Love Inspired HISTORICAL! What a weird collection these past few weeks. Set in 1881 in Gatlinburg, Tennessee His Mountain Miss by Karen Kirst was a rather sweet period romance. The third book (once again, like Carbon Copy Cowboy, right into the middle of the series… oops) in the Smokey Mountain Ranches series, this book centers on one of the daughters in the O’Malley family… Megan and her interactions with New Orleans aristocrat Lucian Beaumont. 

Lucian has come to sell off his estranged and now deceased grandfather’s property so he can return to New Orleans free of what he sees as the abandonment of his mother by her father and himself in turn. Tied to this property is Megan and the people of Smokey Mountain who are (according to the will) allowed access to the property to continue on the good works of its previous owner. 

I really appreciate the author’s grasp of the era (and since this is not my favourite… I prefer Regency, this was a wonderful surprise), she really does draw you into the scene and make you want to know all you can about the characters. There is a bit of a mystery to what happened to between Lucian’s mother and his grandfather to clear up… many members of Megan’s family to meet and the surrounding townspeople. 

This is definitely a faith based book… Megan with her strong faith and Lucian needing to regain his in the face of his loss of his mother. Class differences in the era are touched upon lightly as are the conditions and difficulties of the time. This story deals with loss, with faith and love, with knowing what is best for yourself beyond your past and the future your family or your status seems to demand. And it helps that Lucian has his French words tossed in there for flair and a description that is quite marvelous. Definitely an enjoyable read! 51P5Eb-KmxL._SX314_BO1,204,203,200_