I have gone on in great length in my post about being the “Healthy One” within a family dealing with clinical depression. I have discussed how sometimes it is tiring, sometimes it is empowering… and sometimes you simply have to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Which I swear is one of THE hardest skills to learn in the process of creating a path to healthier living.

Keeping in mind this is purely from my own personal experience as the wife of a person coming out of severe depression and not something I have polled anyone about. BUT, one of the big things Ken and I have come to realize through his therapist and our many, many discussions is that the outward signs of frustration he feels and his anger at himself at his inability to JUST DO THIS THING often come off as anger directed at myself.

This is inadvertent and nothing so severe as a physical altercation. Rather, when I do my part to keep him off the path of procrastination he gets short and testy (shush Ken I could not think of a less college giggle worthy word). This instantly reads as mad at me in my eyes and as if he is trying to deflect the responsibility and the need to change onto my shoulders. In fact, this is his outward manifestation of his inner struggle. There is nothing more upsetting than wanting change so badly you can see it, hear it and almost touch it but come up time and time again against your own brain which is unwilling to be as flexible and quick as you would like.

When someone is already dealing with an inability to easily feel and express positive and life affirming emotions those less savory and more explosive attitudes and emotions always seem to leak out more. Where a more balanced and “healthy” person can internalize and realize that they are actually frustrated with their own limitations, the dialogue in Ken’s mind inhibits all of that. Often he will get growly and short because he cannot get past his own blockage, and my reminder of need and focus reinforce his knowledge that he is still in the middle of a process.

I have yet to build my own thick skin, and probably never will. I think that as long as we are dealing with some of the bigger inhibitors head on I will also have to deal with my own emotional response to not only the situation but Ken’s reactions to said situations. This is a struggle but it is worth the work and the tears and the loooooong discussions reminding each other of how much progress we have seen and how we really are each other’s rock.

The not taking it personal is really my biggest struggle, but another front runner is PATIENCE! If there is anything healing a family with depression isn’t it is QUICK. I can’t even tell you how often growing up I was told patience is a virtue. Greeeeaaaatttt… it is also one of the hardest things to develop. I swear we are hardwired for the wish for instant gratification from birth. The initial bounce back from deep depression is quick. Medication, the immediate therapy has a bit of a shock the system affect. BUT after that initial stopping of all things horrible and (for some) suicidal the real work begins. And with all things worth doing… it is hard and uphill.

What else… patience… well there is also being ADAPTABLE… if there is something all of this has taught me is that when things are difficult and confusing and scary it is up to me, the one who can change somewhat quickly to become adaptable. With patience this is another skill that I find I have to work on. It goes hand and hand with COMPROMISE (which is not always 50/50 I might add, especially when one of you has major trouble adapting their lifestyle and compromising on things like time and process). You have to adapt to the realization that one of you CAN change and compromise (not always happily) quicker and more smoothly than the other. If there is anything that dealing with depression in my family has shown me it is that I have a great capacity for change. Granted sometimes it is kicking and screaming or somewhat sullenly but I can do it. 

Sometimes you have to compromise on a change, adapt for it occurring more slowly than you would like and have great patience with the entire process. This leads me to the last major skill on my list – FAITH… not so much religious faith (though if you can find that and it works for you run with it) but a faith or belief in your process or in our case – Ken’s plan and our family’s journey. If you cannot believe that it will work… it won’t. If you cannot have faith that the work you put into this entire journey will pay off eventually… it won’t. One of the most amazing feelings is to throw yourself wholeheartedly into something and have faith in the process and have it work out. My faith in myself, my husband and my family has grown in leaps and bounds as we have overcome obstacles and stimulated growth in many different aspects of our lives and ourselves. 

So to recap… Good grief, is taking things not personally HARD… but then again, anything that is worth doing/having/accomplishing does not come easily. As well, a person in ANY situation can work on the skills I have listed – patience, adaptability, compromise and faith/belief in ones self and so much more. I am sure there are many more skills I am currently cultivating in my journey with my family towards a healthy whole, but these are the ones that stand out. Our process is fluid and life altering and… AMAZING… and I wish nothing more than to be an assist for others. 

So for those of you who are currently in the midst of all this – keep going, reach out when you need to, dig deep inside yourself for strength and lean on us if you want. And for those in the support structure… well done! I hope you can find the strength in yourself to cultivate these skills and any others that you find crucial. None of us are alone if we just peek outside our little bubbles of self… 

Please feel free to comment. I would also love suggestions of new topics to cover! Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my random rambling. BLESS!

I have always loved that line, well part of a line, out of C.S Lewis’ The Last Battle (Narnia series)… it has always felt like life has led us onward and upward. We must press on, not sit and reflect back. BUT with depression there is always an element somewhere in treatment where there is a time to stop and look back. Figure out what may have triggered the situation, what led you to the path you are on. This is really quite necessary because if we can understand the roots and foundation of the words in our heads, the thoughts we can’t quite throw off, we can move on and find ways to create a new dialogue, to understand how not to fall into the old patterns.

BUT what about the future? Recently I asked Ken… will we always be running a current dialogue about depression? Is this the new story of our life that will never quite be closed, will it always be at the forefront of our interactions with others, with our planning? Will we always have that specter hanging over us that Ken is DEPRESSED?

Sadly, the reality is that Ken will never be… CURED… not like you can remove a wart or cure some physical illnesses. Rather, we are working for what we term “remission”. Our path is to managing and reducing the effect of this invisible illness not curing it so that he can say, well that was life X number of years ago… here I am fit as a fiddle not a random negative thought in my head.

I think we would all love a CURE. We pray and work for cures to all sorts of things, cancer, HIV/AIDS, TB… And, at times that becomes possible. BUT with an invisible illness, especially those related to mental health, there seems to be no end point. Not if  you are chemically depressed that is. Remission is management and successful management. It is the ability to realize that while Ken will never be free of those thoughts and feelings that have plagued him for years he WILL learn to embrace the process to diminish their control over him.

Our onward and upward is to a diminished schedule of therapy visits, perhaps even a lowering of drug dosage, to a new lifestyle of positive thinking, of open dialogue between ourselves and the kids about how we feel and think. Our remission is one of process and progress. Where we take moments of joy and hold onto them, relish them and embrace them while also accepting and to a degree embracing the negatives as well.

I have often spoken of lifestyle changes in this series of posts. I feel that for anyone suffering from depression, bipolar, anxiety this is a key step. One of the easiest things to do is to wallow, to fall into bad patterns and to, for all intents and purposes give up. There is no giving up when you are onward and upward. If you are sitting at home in the basement in the dark no amount of therapy is going to make life fun. If you are willing to ignore things that need to be done and embrace procrastination no amount of drugs and vitamins is going to help you get organized and successful.

I know I sound like some sort of peppy self help guru but… they have some truths in their spiels. We really are our own worst enemies, healthy or not. And I will state right now… procrastination, wallowing not just depressed/etc. people do it. We are ALL guilty of these poor behavior choices.  What Ken and I have noticed is that when it comes down to it and our brain says “I don’t need to do that right now” my first reaction is to buckle down and do it, his is to… well… not… It is not easy to embrace that do it right now attitude, even as the healthy one, I struggle often with intent to avoid and the feeling that things should not be done right now. Ken on the other hand, does not struggle (did not as he is working on this) rather he embraces it and… well let’s just say, we have had a few arguments.

So what I am trying to say is, don’t give up. Work on that dialogue within yourself that will bring you to action, remind you of your worth. Downward and backwards often looks like the easier path, but the reality of it is that the harder path is the path of the most reward. Join us on our upward path of exploration, acceptance and joy. This of course ties into the last post about finding a REASON for getting healthy. Nothing spurs on a process like a good reason.

As always I want to remind you that no matter what side of this situation you are on, suffering, supporting you are NOT alone. Myself and my family are here, in person, online we are here for you. I am so amazed by the amount of people who have read these posts, some have shared them, conversations have been started. It is all good. If you have a suggestion of a topic for a post, or a question, please leave a comment below. I would love to hear what you think about my thoughts on something that has become a permanent part of my life! Bless!

Yet life changing and life sustaining…

We have experienced this first hand, with the initial rush of movement there is a lull… a necessary lull. First comes the massive (for some) realization that there is something Wrong (with a capital W). For us it was the concrete and stable plans for suicide or self harm becoming alarmingly loud in Ken’s mind, as well as his realization that he simply was not feeling Happy, not even little h happy about things. There was a lack of the life long roller coaster you and I experience of happiness, excitement, joy intermingled with sadness, anger, frustration etc.

Once the person who is suffering from a mental illness comes to this massive and life saving realization things happen quickly. Of course, I can only speak from our experience but I hope it is helpful… medication is prescribed, voluntary hospitalization is offered in case of necessity and doctor/therapist/psychiatrist appointments are quickly lined up. This is almost mind numbing in its speed. After all, the individual is admitting to thoughts and feelings that are highly detrimental and dangerous.

After this comes the medication. Ken explains it to me as a build up in his system. Amounts are determined by increase or decrease of a gradual nature and for him the thoughts are quickly quieted a little, but with it comes side effects… exhaustion, distracted thought… again a quick thing to start…

But this seems to be where the speed ends. The side effects to the medication that you gradually get used to, or diminish themselves all occur over time… The initial danger is over and the sigh of relief that comes with that but that is where the real work begins.

I know there is a saying – don’t sweat the small stuff… but I think that in the life of a family touched acutely by depression there is a new saying – celebrate the small stuff… so you all managed to get out the door to enjoy the sunshine! There is a great moment to smile and laugh. The number of naps and exhaustion level have decreased post med adjustment… well that is a great reason to take a movie night. Therapy has been gone to consecutively and found to be helpful… well that means it is time for a family walk or bubbles in the yard.

Note my idea of celebrations isn’t wine and caviar. That is fine and dandy if you can afford it, but really a celebration can be a smile, it can be reveling in the moment, taking a walk with the family, cuddling on the couch and rehashing the good stuff. There is something to be said about meditation and self realization. About taking a moment and making it stretch and giving it more relevancy.

Grand change that is swift and all encompassing are not part of the long term solution, I am afraid. Rather, this is a long haul… but it is such a life enriching, life changing and life ensuring procedure. And, if celebrated properly and shared and committed to it will change you, your family and those around you for the better.

The key is to not let go, well… there will be some bad, some sad, some angry that we can’t help but let go (in fact, it is the best choice) but the good, the lovely, the amazing, the romantic and silly… if we hold on tight to THESE moments then they will sustain us through the steps backwards, the momentary lapses and the internal rage over a process that simply cannot be rushed.

So basically, what I am trying to say is this… there isn’t this great fight towards a cure. Not for those who are not situational. Instead, it is a long marathon to becoming healthier, to becoming in control, to finding a way to manage the negative emotions and thoughts and be able to feel joy and peace. So it is not a sprint to the finish, there is no huge party at the end. Rather you are going across country… there are pot holes and cow patties but there is also beautiful scenery, friendship and a future… and all those things are worth celebrating. Every pot hole you survive, every dip in the emotions, every fall back that you recover from… EMBRACE IT! CELEBRATE IT! 

And if you really feel like you can’t, well tell someone, tell me, tell a friend… tell ANYONE that you succeeded and if they are truly on board and truly understand they will help you see your success. They will teach you how to accept praise and cheer along with you. And as they teach and support you, throw a little love their was. Because really, we are all a little broken. And together we can ALL be a little better!!!

Once again… I want to say – no one is alone. I am here, my family is here… if you need me or someone else… reach out. Well done at getting this far and GO YOU as you run your own marathon the a healthier life!!! (Again, to read the other posts in this series on Depression and our family go HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE.)