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Fear of Loss and Regression

There are few things scarier as the spouse of a person with severe and clinical depression than a regression or a “slip up” on the new life patterns.

Thankfully my current and more recent experiences with these “lapses in change” are few and far between, but it happens. Add in work stress, deadlines, someone at the office quitting suddenly and equally quickly I see Ken slipping into old patterns. Chores undone, choices in chores a wee bit wacky (he seriously is the only person I know that, when he falls back into old destruction choices finds himself a BIGGER chore to avoid the ongoing list). All I see is a great big red WARNING sign.

MY frustration is quickly felt as household promises fall to the wayside in favour of work and stress. After all, part of Ken’s therapy is the realization that (as long as it won’t endanger the household) it is not appropriate for me to swoop in and do something FOR Ken. That gives him an out, like a child who does a chore badly to get out of it (and I HAVE experienced that, I might add). Rather, I have to (equally frustratingly) sit back and leave the chaos to rest until Ken comes round to the mental and emotional realization that he must stop running from that particular responsibility.

This is all something which, when Ken is in the moment, he DOES NOT SEE. And there is a balance there too, I can’t just scream out DO THE CHORE the second day on, he has to have the opportunity to become self aware (little heads up – we are NOT there yet… quite). Self awareness is a tricky thing. Do we ever clearly see our own actions when emotionally compromised?

There is always, in the back of my head, a little voice saying – “keep aware, be diligent.” I know I have mentioned this before and talked extensively about being the “healthy one,” but sometimes it is a hugely frustrating endeavor. I am not sure WHEN I will ever assuage myself of the guilt of missing cues. Why didn’t I see the spiral earlier on? Why was I so blind to the now obvious suffering of one of the most important people in my life? So there is the additional worry that I will be hyper vigilant or accidentally take to “calling wolf.” (are we all familiar of the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf? If not HERE)

Luckily this newest roller coaster (mini as it was) was over messes at work that were not the fault of himself, and deadlines and crazy hours (like skype at 3 am… kid you not, darn international companies!). What is utterly amazing is that every phone call, ever little WORK related deadline or promise was hit, met and exceptionally dealt with. Just don’t ask about the dishwasher issue, the pictures that need to be hung where tall people live, or the room we tore apart to paint… oops.20170214_210130

Barely in our Past For Once… December!

Woo! New year, new start, keeping up… not bad not bad. I don’t do resolutions, just gradually change my patterns. So here’s hoping.

Anyway… December, last month… well… Christmas, of course. Winter, some snow (sort of), busy busy. But now for the actual details of the month…IMG_20161204_22134320161220_101515

We had our traditional paper chain countdown, perler bead Advent chart AND of course, went to Activity Village for their Advent fun. Just a warning – they have gone to membership now, it is a reasonable cost and I have already signed up.

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Early on in the month Shandai and I gave it a go at a Vendor sale and set up a table of my crochet and her knitting pieces. It wasn’t a huge success but it was fun! And hopefully something we can do again!IMG_20161203_115623

A pretty view out the back of the building

A pretty view out the back of the building

We did all sorts of fun crafts at home and at Daycare.IMG_20161206_141613

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You really can make any picture Christmas-y

You really can make any picture Christmas-y

IMG_20161212_145503Practiced our recorders.IMG_20161207_223406

Christmas with the Schwartz family is a yearly much looked forward to tradition. Of course we decorated our small gingerbread houses.20161221_185445

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This is mine, you can see the rest on the overflow post HERE.

This is mine, you can see the rest on the overflow post HERE.

Opened presents and had so much fun.20161221_202237

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Look what the boys got!

Look what the boys got!

Ken and I took the girls to Jeffrey’s Christmas concert. We had Christmas with the Novaks on Christmas Eve. It was so much fun and we were there way past bedtime.FB_IMG_148264998684120161224_211435

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We found Anthony a stuffed appendix and made him up the certificate! He loved it!

We found Anthony a stuffed appendix and made him up the certificate! He loved it!

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Of course we had our Sunday School Christmas pageant. The Schwartz family came to watch.20161211_112307

We had a whole family of angels.IMG_20161211_160721

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We also had dinner out at McDonald’s to celebrate.20161211_120829

We saw Santa a SECOND time (the first was at Macy’s with Nana and Baba HERE) at the YMCA. There was all sorts of fun to be had there. IMG_20161212_014136IMG_20161203_22355220161202_18242020161202_185648

We had our monthly Bookit reading program pizza.20161215_205823

And made cookies. This year we tried out a new gingerbread recipe from the Activity Village site HERE.20161216_193111

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Monster Cookies

Monster Cookies

We had some lovely mail come. 20161220_105902

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Seriously WHO SENT THESE?

Seriously WHO SENT THESE?

IMG_20161224_161050_772And spent plenty of time at the YMCA.

Gavin

Gavin

Little Lotus Yoga pose

Little Lotus Yoga pose

IMG_20161215_202555IMG_20161226_224057_803IMG_20161228_134945_654It was a jolly Christmas. Full of fun and friends and gifts and giving.

From Ken to me

From Ken to me

I got these lovely puzzle pieces for Ken.

I got these lovely puzzle pieces for Ken.

We took full advantage of our new fryer and made FRESH poutine!20161231_182920

We even made it to one of Anthony’s indoor soccer games.IMG_20161210_174921

Skyping family!IMG_20161224_120754_102

For New Years we spent the night at home with a lovely drop by last minute by the Schwartz family for an hour or two.20161231_222352

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Yup quite the month!!! I hope you enjoyed the wander through images!

Merry Christmas

Well, I have just enough time after Christmas Day to pop up a few pictures and wish everyone a happy 25th. We celebrated at home just the 7 of us. It was lovely. We skyped some people, played with new toys and ate tons of not so healthy foods. Hopefully I can share more later, but for now – I hope that whatever you celebrate this month was amazing! 

New Pj's with cookies for Santa

New Pj’s with cookies for Santa

They may not be hung by the chimney with care, but they were filled with love.

They may not be hung by the chimney with care, but they were filled with love.

Happy kids

Happy kids

Yup... that is a poop emoji on the far right...

Yup… that is a poop emoji on the far right…

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Skyping with family

Skyping with family

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

Zander and his latch hook kit.

Zander and his latch hook kit.

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Colouring Echo's new dollhouse for her 18 inch dolls.

Colouring Echo’s new dollhouse for her 18 inch dolls.

My Christmas exchange mailing... straight from Australia!!!

My Christmas exchange mailing… straight from Australia!!!

Scalloped potatoes and ham!

Scalloped potatoes and ham!