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I Worry…

And I wish I could categorize it as a super power. I have always been somewhat timid, it has just increased drastically since Ken openly acknowledged his severe depression had relapsed. 

I come from a family of people with anxiety… close family members who I won’t name since I did not ask their permission, some even officially diagnosed and medicated for it. I have had conversations about how it is “in the genes”… how we could be know for it, and how we manage to make it work for us. 

My worry solidifies in plans, in back up plans, in back ups to back up plans. I categorize and re categorize everything. This includes my own health. I am always trying to be proactive. Living in the US without Canada’s universal health care has had me in a position of careful self management for periods of time.

And I have succeeded in spades. Working out up to 6 times a week has me active, removing high fructose corn syrup has my stomach aches down to a minimum, I limit my contact use, attempt to get enough rest, walk all summer and spend my time productively. 

But I worry… I worry about the dental visit I will have to finally have after an undisclosed period of time and the fall out from that. I worry that if I drop the ball on any of the above things I will trickle down to a massive physical breakdown (even though I know one less work out a week or that extra can of pop isn’t a final nail in ANY coffin). 

But it goes beyond that… I worry about Ken. I mean… ALWAYS worry about Ken. Is he healthy, is he happy, does he feel in control of his mental health? Have I done enough to assist him in his work to remain healthy? Can I do more?

Of course I also have a healthy dose of “Mommy Guilt”…. that feeling like you will never do enough for your kids. I question my parenting skills, my homeschooling, my ability to provide and discipline and love all at the same time. Will they reflect back on their childhood and see that they were loved and I did my very best for them? 

Don’t get me started on my worries about where I live and the goings on on a grand scale. What a world we live in right know.

So, I worry. And I plan, maybe over plan a little… and I love and I live and I do my very best. 

My master plan is to find a way to make my worry work for me. If it is worthy of worry it is worthy of work. This month I added a 3rd workout class to my schedule (don’t worry I still don’t exceed 6 days a week, I rather changed an elliptical run with R.I.P.P.E.D which I love… I am not THAT crazy after all). I have to wait to face the music at the dentist so I upped my dental care regime to at least keep peace of mind that I am not creating a bigger mess. The kids – well I just do my best and change things up from time to time. December is a month to celebrate according to Zander… so we are! Who says education has to be boring and lack in colouring pages? Not me!!!

And now for the biggest worry of them all (and I admit it, my own worries take a back seat when it comes to Ken’s health, it can just become so all consuming that I am still learning to let him worry about him and me do me.)… KEN… My greatest love, my dearest companion AND my largest worry. 

What can I do? Well, nothing more than I already am, so how to cope? Conversation, crochet, chocolate (cuz what doesn’t get a wee bit better with some quality chocolate?) and awesome company every so often. Yup, online and in person, I am surrounded by some of the most amazing and supportive people who get my crazy. (Or at least pretend they do)

So yes, I am a worrier, I just have yet to let the worry consume me. So if you have a conversation with me that is very wordy and full of circular discussion (like a lot of these blog posts) just realize I am talking through my worry, my neurosis as Ken likes to say. I put my worries out there so they feel less huge, less soul crushing. If someone I trust can tell me it is a tiny worry, well, maybe I can believe it too?

Do you worry? I would love to hear how you cope. Or, if you need me to, listen to your worries so you can feel heard. We worriers need to stick together, if nothing else than so we can enjoy chocolate, crafting and conversation… some of the best “C” words out there! 20171204_170413

Summer Baby Showers

Yes, plural! I was lucky enough to be invited to 2 baby showers this summer… one with the gender known, the other not. Shandai and Ravyn were celebrating their upcoming baby at Ravyn’s parent’s house. A new cousin for my 5! They are pumped, mainly Trinity and Echo. But, a new family member is always cause for excitement. IMG_20170617_174434_958

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I made sure to make baby something special. Though MANY of my fair pieces were also slated to go to baby. IMG_20170617_174534_475

The other shower we were invited to was also a first baby… baby girl! Of course, as I get closer to current you will see pictures of the little darling. Darcy hosted, so of course we came early to help (it was a last minute venue move). The guys made themselves scarce until it ended and the kids had a blast outside. 20170603_144344

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post party slouch

post party slouch

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As with my new unknown darling, I made baby girl a little something something as well. Both sets of gifts were well received which warms this crafter’s heart. 20170603_130554

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Anyway – keep an eye peeled for the baby pics later. Darcy has been very sweet about sharing her time with Sophia’s baby with me. 

Snoopy!

Snoopy!

MY baby and my other baby/god son

MY baby and my other baby/god son

They were just too cute together. Had to share BOTH pictures. I really love the whole Novak family, but Anthony has a special place in my heart.

They were just too cute together. Had to share BOTH pictures. I really love the whole Novak family, but Anthony has a special place in my heart.

May, Yup Still Behind!

But, I may just catch up before Christmas??? Who knows! So sit back and enjoy the peek back!IMG_20170531_232050_888

Anyway, May. Well… Mother’s Day which means Mother’s Day photos. Of course since the weather was decent we drove down to the end of our road and took photos on the path. You can check out the photos HERE since this post is HUGE already!IMG_20170514_205447_969

Ken bought me the most adorable Totoro socks. We went to church. It was a lovely day.orca-image-1494789507636.jpg_1494789508273

May also found us at Mall of America at what I felt was one of the happiest places on earth… TIM HORTONS! There are multiple locations in state now, and I have visited more than a few!!IMG_20170524_192319_471

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All out of Legos!

All out of Legos!

May was also Sean’s yearly visit. He drove down this year. We had a lot of fun with him.IMG_20170518_235019_750

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Emanuel and Trinity got their white belts in karate. More on that HERE.IMG_20170518_204437_812

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20170518_204051Of course we continued swimming lessons and visited ClubY. With myself keeping suitably busy as well.IMG_20170507_193055_547

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New stationary machines!

New stationary machines!

Zander and Gavin had track.FB_IMG_1493669694918

I even got my hands on some back in production Clearly Canadian!!!orca-image-1495926787264.jpg_1495926787629

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For lack of a bonfire we got creative making s’mores.IMG_20170528_230059_179

20170528_194332Ken and I tried our hand at some minor landscaping.IMG_20170527_144311_734

We even tried some backyard gardening.IMG_20170522_213156_516

My best gardener with her Gypsy dog toy pal

My best gardener with her Gypsy dog toy pal

dead heading in pj's

dead heading in pj’s

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Berry bushes!

Berry bushes!

And we bought a can crusher which was fun for the kids for about… a week.20170528_192911

We had company… and went visiting.

Cousin Robbie

Cousin Robbie

Schwartz family

Schwartz family

Snoopy!

Snoopy!

Crochet…orca-image-1495332562532.jpg_1495332562843

With Gavin

With Gavin

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School…

Reading in the best vantage points

Reading in the best vantage points

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IMG_20170517_170113_405Eating out…20170528_131458

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It was a busy month looking back! I forget how busy when the days pass by.

A sweet apology

A sweet apology

sparklers!

sparklers!

Emanuel perfected his bicycle riding.

Emanuel perfected his bicycle riding.

Quiet moment!

Quiet moment!

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Toad!

Toad!

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