I hate my stupid black dress that the only times I can remember wearing it is for the 3 funerals I went to as an adult – my two grandfather’s and todays… I hate that feeling that things just will never be the same, I hate how I thought I was ok and had figured everything out and then BANG there is something I miss – for example when we left we said good bye but where was grandma for her hug? I hate leaving a cemetary and just going – seems so weird that you just walk away! The urn was lovely – pearl coloured with a horse on it – apparently it looked just like one of her favorite horses. There was a lovely huge bouquet of red roses (her favorite) left at the site though the ribbons on it – mother, grandmother, great grandmother were taken to the memorial. The stone with my grandfather’s name and information on it was brought from their old homestead! I plan on going back next year to take pictures with the kids. Each of the siblings put a red rose down with the urn and the little service there was only 10 min.
The memorial at the United church was relatively brief… something I KNOW grandma would have appreciated. Her two favorite hymns were played and I read the verses without error (1Corinthians 15:51-57, John 11:21-26). The stories told about her were funny and wonderful and I really felt we had honoured here. It was crowded! The luncheon afterwards was at the hall instead of the church basement like my grandpa’s was… my aunt and uncle who live in the same town as grandma got so many phonecalls and notices of people coming they felt we needed the room – and we did! Out of the immediate family the only one missing was my brother. Emanuel even spent the end of the service with my aunt and uncle and cousin Veronika. He loves them and trusts them to take him wherever. He did get a little loud when I was reading annoyed that I was not with him.
I was ok I truly was til we got home after shopping for groceries and hit my head on the freezer (ok I have a bump and everything OWIE) and then I had a nice long cry. There is just a whole lot of "weird" – that we will never go back to her house where I visited tons growing up… that I will not be sending her pictures anymore… the she is not there for hugs and to send birthday cards and to tell me how much she loves the boys… that I no longer have a Grandma MacLean living… so much weird… but at the same time I am SURE there is not a force on heaven or earth that will keep her from watching over these kids. I love her and she loves us and not life or death will EVER change that! Now I just need to work through the weird and make my way back to the memories and how I treasure them! We each came home with a red rose from the two bouquets at her memorial… I took pictures of them and have a bulletin to copy and save for the kids as well as the verses I read. I will do up a scrapbook page and I will be ok. Life will go on and so will we!
Low key would be the best way to describe how we spend my birth DATE. What with the birthday party yesterday and the Davey home for their youngest and oldest, Thursday being Grandma’s funeral (I am reading) and the following weekend Isabella’s 2nd birthday party… then the following weekend two events we still need to chose between Ken is working on planning a celebration for me. Instead he surprised me last night with Karyn coming over! More of a minor birthday celebration and perk me up with all this funeral stuff. She gave me my present – scrapbooking paper and these little wooden train pieces shaped like a "z", "g" and "e". We watched Howl’s Moving Castle (one of my favorites) and this morning they let me sleep in! I did not get up until almost 10am! When Karyn left we ran a few errands – off to photocopy some stuff and then to Superstore. We were going to go out to the splash park in the late afternoon but it cooled down too much and Jeff Davey had signed up for a raid so we spent the afternoon at home.
My mom did stop by in the morning – she had some stuff from grandma’s house – the siblings had cleaned it out yesterday. I got back the grad photo she had of me and the two wedding photos, the cross stitch I had made her (one of my first ever) and a painting my mom did of a rose from an old mother’s day card signed by all the siblings that was on my grandma’s wall and the mirror mom’s ex had given her. I will not hang them up right now but when we move.
So this week is going to be stressful – mom has the whole week off… the funeral is on Thursday and we have to go to the cemetary first… I have to do a reading – 1 Cor 15:51-57… I am just hoping everything goes smoothly, then I will worry about life past then. Ken needs to take his bereavement leave day for that too.
We did take the kids to the splash park Saturday morning – it was cool but they had a blast – we were the only ones there so they could use the water table as they liked. I do want to get them some water toys for next time. I cannot wait til we have our own yard so we can put out the little blow up pool I bought a couple years ago in Minnesota. Oh and some place to hang the hammock we got in Mexico on our honeymoon! So many plans waiting on banks and other people – FRUSTRATING!
Passed away this week past. They say she sat down to watch tv and fell asleep. No one is sure on the exact day thinking maybe she was there two days before my uncle came over to see her.. but she died the way she would have wanted to – not in the hospital losing her senses… she died peacefully in her home. I can honestly say that though I am sad I am not in regret – I make it a point to wear my heart on my sleeve with my family. Ever since my grandfather died especially – saying what needed to be said, giving that extra hug, sending those extra pictures. No I do not regret a moment of my relationship with my grandma. I think she even understood me in a way. Granted my degree and all was not something she really got but she and I shared a deep love for these three darling boys. I am so glad she came to Emanuel’s 1st birthday party. I have a lovely picture of her holding him. She had even sent off my birthday card early so I have that too. My mom is doing better today, last night she was a mess… she has talked to her brothers and sisters and tomorrow they are to go and clean out the house of the stuff they want. Just the 5 of them are allowed to go. I did request a few things – the cross stitch I made her years ago, something to remember her and grandpa by for the boys… I did ask that I get a chance to go through the family albums and make copies for my family but that can wait.
Since mom was such a mess I also took it upon myself to call James and later alert dad. James and I are both fine… he did make mention of wanting the plinco (spelling?) machine in the basement if he can get it and I suggested to mom Grandpa’s bagpipes but really it was the person living in the house who mattered not all of that stuff! I contacted each of my cousins on Facebook and actually messaged a bit with my cousin Kathleen. We will see how tomorrow goes and what happens from there.
Otherwise yesterday was not horrible, the boys and I walked the long way home after posting letters… Ken and I watched Bleach last night as usual and my brother and I had a lovely chat on the ‘phone. With the funeral being in the middle of the week and James not driving I doubt he would make it.
It is weird I am sitting here trying to think of what I would want from my grandparents and I think I already got it – they loved me and my children, supported me to the best of their abilities when they did not understand my goals… they raised my mother and gave her life… all of that is very precious and now they are together once more…