I hate my stupid black dress that the only times I can remember wearing it is for the 3 funerals I went to as an adult – my two grandfather’s and todays… I hate that feeling that things just will never be the same, I hate how I thought I was ok and had figured everything out and then BANG there is something I miss – for example when we left we said good bye but where was grandma for her hug? I hate leaving a cemetary and just going – seems so weird that you just walk away! The urn was lovely – pearl coloured with a horse on it – apparently it looked just like one of her favorite horses. There was a lovely huge bouquet of red roses (her favorite) left at the site though the ribbons on it – mother, grandmother, great grandmother were taken to the memorial. The stone with my grandfather’s name and information on it was brought from their old homestead! I plan on going back next year to take pictures with the kids. Each of the siblings put a red rose down with the urn and the little service there was only 10 min.
The memorial at the United church was relatively brief… something I KNOW grandma would have appreciated. Her two favorite hymns were played and I read the verses without error (1Corinthians 15:51-57, John 11:21-26). The stories told about her were funny and wonderful and I really felt we had honoured here. It was crowded! The luncheon afterwards was at the hall instead of the church basement like my grandpa’s was… my aunt and uncle who live in the same town as grandma got so many phonecalls and notices of people coming they felt we needed the room – and we did! Out of the immediate family the only one missing was my brother. Emanuel even spent the end of the service with my aunt and uncle and cousin Veronika. He loves them and trusts them to take him wherever. He did get a little loud when I was reading annoyed that I was not with him.
I was ok I truly was til we got home after shopping for groceries and hit my head on the freezer (ok I have a bump and everything OWIE) and then I had a nice long cry. There is just a whole lot of "weird" – that we will never go back to her house where I visited tons growing up… that I will not be sending her pictures anymore… the she is not there for hugs and to send birthday cards and to tell me how much she loves the boys… that I no longer have a Grandma MacLean living… so much weird… but at the same time I am SURE there is not a force on heaven or earth that will keep her from watching over these kids. I love her and she loves us and not life or death will EVER change that! Now I just need to work through the weird and make my way back to the memories and how I treasure them! We each came home with a red rose from the two bouquets at her memorial… I took pictures of them and have a bulletin to copy and save for the kids as well as the verses I read. I will do up a scrapbook page and I will be ok. Life will go on and so will we!
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