Ok so this is MY personal thoughts so I should be able to express myself on my own right? Well here goes – I am VERY frustrated – Ken’s "long weekend" in Minnesota has become 7 days without help with the kids! He flies out Thursday afternoon and gets back Tuesday night which means he works Wednesday before even seeing the kids… course add to this my mom changed her vacation time and will have … SUNDAY off that is it! Ken has not lined anyone up for me concretely for help and we are still in this sardine can of an apartment without our own little fenced lawn. I know Ken needs a vacation and all and I was all for a 4 day weekend but GEEZE it is like no one stopped and went WAIT Ken is using up all these holiday days (which if we need more means he has to work Saturdays – gee more days without help with the kids – can I??) but also no one said wow maybe Lisa does not WANT 7 days without someone in the apartment… add to that the fact Ken has not figured out how to get there without parking the van in the city – not that I drive but that means no one else can come visit and drive us somewhere… so I have had a good cry and Ken and I argued over MSN messanger and now I just want to hide under the bed for a while. I have spent a month psyching myself up for his trip… making jokes about him not taking any of the kids… trying to figure out how he can have time to see Andy and Darcy Novak… pointing out the wall paper border I want for Emanuel’s room… well right now I just want to be a selfish little bitch and say NO.
Ken’s answer to my frustration is that sometime when he gets back I go out with Christine or Karyn for a day and he watches all the kids – well that honestly is a nice thought except I have no money to spend, they both live in Edmonton, Christine is ALWAYS busy, and it is ANOTHER event *I* have to plan… add that to the zoo trip and the doctors’ appointments… what I want is someone to say gee Lisa I am sorry we didn’t plan this trip in a way that does not leave you stranded… My mom’s holidays were changed so she has one day instead of the original 3 or 4…. she has suggested we stay the night at her place and then spend the day in the yard, couse SHE won’t be there… neither will my internet connection or laptop… everyone else… well they have lives… but Ken needs a break… and I am happy for him… I just wish that for him to have a break I did not have to feel overwhelmed and lost.
I don’t know what I want.. probably another cry… maybe to feel less like the problem is I can’t control my kids… I guess iwant to get breaks too more often – 24/7 I am with the kids.. yah Ken comes home but I don’t go anywhere and he says he has trouble relaxing at home lately which means SOMETHING needs to change. The only thing I can think of is that there are too many chores when he gets home… or maybe it is my asking questions… I am trying not to ask him to do much, or maybe it is the kids jumping on him when he gets home – there is not much I can do about that… I just want this family to feel more relaxed. I know alot of this stress is based on close quarters and Ken’s long commute but I am starting to worry. Worry about everyone… that we are driving each other mad, that the boys are being hindered by my inability to get them out all day… but then again they had so much fun on their walk to the dollar store and enjoyed their lunch and Little Einsteins and Pocoyo… they played nice for short periods of time this morning and I have high hopes for the afternoon lego play.
ok so I vented… I am done with it… now I just need to deal right?