I know I have brought up therapy before in passing in previous blog posts regarding our journey to healthy living. I don’t know how I can every emphasize enough that medication without therapy is not the optimum solution. It is proven time and time again that you need a full body/mind/soul examination to get on the road to becoming healthy on a LONG TERM BASIS. I can tell you right now, I speak from experience. Not the personal experience of a person unwell, but of the person standing there wishing they could do more but watching while an unbalanced plan simply falls to pieces.

This is not my first rodeo as they say… In the span of my relationship/marriage to Ken this is the SECOND time we have experienced the severe lows of full blown depression. The first time (which is years ago now) we began on the right path. He took himself into the doctor to explain things just weren’t right, he was put on medication (Zoloft or some sort of like brand has, and still works best for him) and taken to a counselor. This is terrific, we were able to stop the world and get him help. BUT in Alberta at the time, this was a stop gap. Said counselor would then (on the psychiatrist’s recommendation) find him some sort of group or continuing therapy within the confines of our location and basic healthcare.

The reality of this is that not all locations are equal. Not every area has enough therapists, or even psychiatrists. I have had friends who simply saw their GP for all medical managing. Ken was placed in an AMAZING group therapy program that worked wonders… for a time… and then the doctor in charge was transferred and the rug was pulled out of the program. Job done, keep seeing your GP, maybe a psychiatrist and we will hope for the best. The reality of that is that it was NOT the best… When someone has not seen a therapist or entered into some sort of counselling program, while the medication may be helping and the severe thoughts quieted, that person is NOT healthy. They are on the path but just like a long hike has signs and tour guides… you don’t drop a depressed person an a stack of pills and say… Cool you be good now.

Left to their own devices are they going to take that necessary medication? Without dealing with the issues that have led them to the horrible compulsions and thoughts do you really think they are just going to poof away because they alerted one doctor (or maybe more) that something isn’t quite right?

We don’t expect cancer patients to just become healthy after a treatment, there is follow up. We shouldn’t expect people suffering from anxiety, depression, bi polar disorders to struggle alone. And that is where therapy comes in. Now I am all for sharing with friends and family. As Ken says – Sharing is Caring… (and then we all groan and I have to hold myself back from decking him), but when you share with a loved one or a close connection there is the risk of holding back (for their benefit and your), the fear of rejection… therapy comes without those stumbling blocks.

Not everyone, as I mentioned before, can afford/access therapy. BUT there are options… if you are religious (or at least open to religion) there are many churches where the minister or someone else within the church who can be your sympathetic ear. That is what they are there for. I, myself have talked to my fair share of ministers throughout my life. They have been a support and a safe place for me during many tumultuous times. Often you can go into your county offices… public health in Canada… they will have posting, pamphlets or even a knowledgeable person who can work out your options. We have found many therapists actually have a sliding scale according to your wage and circumstances.

More and more people are trying online or e-therapy. I do not know much about this version of therapy other than it is a way for people who simply cannot make it in person to carve out an hour and skype and interface with a trained therapist over the computer. Talkspace.com has an explanation with the main reasons why someone may chose this option HERE. In the end what is important is a connection on some level with the person you are talking to. If you can find that via Skype and that works for you, job done. There is further discussion at the bottom of the page linked about TEXTING therapy. I do not know anything about that, nor have I done any research, but I stand by my statement… the form that works for you is SUCCESS not what works for the other people around you.

There is no shame in asking questions. NEVER feel ashamed for working within your own resources to get the very best help you can get.

Of course there is more to therapy than just finding an office. You really do need a good connection with your therapist. We really lucked out with Ken’s she is accepting of his rather, unique humour… she acknowledges and supports our homeschooling and has even worked to implement it into his therapy (creating a deeper connection and healing some of the wounds inadvertently made as he fell into a deeper depression previously)… the connection he forges with her allows him total honesty and in turn we have seen him accept her direction fully and work to truly create a sustainable lifestyle of new patterns and coping skills. This is all possible by a COMBINATION of medication, therapy and the WILL/WISH to be well.

I really want to emphasize this… all these measures, medications and external support are going to come for naught if the person in question does not WANT to be healthy. Therapy is a vehicle to get you on your way but you have to put in the effort (gas) and steer yourself. It is up to the rest of us to work hard to remove the taboo and the fear and disgust some people still see as attached to the idea of seeing help from a professional. I believe it is up to us to educate ourselves and our children on how amazing and productive this choice is. There is nothing to be embarrassed about when you have the strength and the will to seek help. Instead we need to embrace these individuals, celebrate the step and share our experiences. I have seen time and time again when we mention our love of Ken’s therapist that others feel they too can open up or even ask where he goes. It scares and saddens me to think that there are people out there suffering in silence because they don’t feel that they can seek help.

So let’s see… sum up… medication alone is not the optimum way to treat mental disorders… therapy is an amazing tool… there are many versions of therapy and many providers… find what works best and is most affordable for you and RUN WITH IT… therapy is something to be proud of (you have made a huge step and sought help)… this is something we need to teach ourselves and our children…

And as always… our home is open, our love is here and you are NOT alone. Take heart, the journey may feel long and difficult but you don’t have to travel it alone. We love you! Please feel free to share information or suggestions in the comments. I try to check them as often as I can. I could not resist sharing this little meme… There is work to be done and not just for those who are suffering… we need to learn to acknowledge the struggle and not expect them to just… snap out of it.

…And I think for the better. I remember someone telling me…. eons ago it seems, that when one member of the family is ill the whole family is affected. I think I always knew and understood that on some level but now, after years of confronting a disorder that so many tend to see as lesser and often ignore the significance of, I feel like it has been etched into my very essence.

Depression, anxiety… these are terms we use in our home as everyday discussion. Echo really has never known a time when she would ask where Daddy is and the answer was never at therapy or an appointment. Therapy is a fact of life in our family, and the opportunity to go WITH Daddy (generally when I am indisposed) is quite sought after.

Ken has two people he sees on a regular basis and the one time I was out of state (seriously the ONLY time since I moved here…) Trinity and Echo go to see the therapist… when I got back I was told that she had TEDDIES! and comfy chairs! It was soooo much fun.

Emanuel has a different opinion, he had to go with and then head to a hair cut after… it was fun… except all they did was talk a lot. Apparently this was met with derision as it would have been much more fun to draw or play video games instead of blah blah blah.

I feel right there that we are on the right track. Therapy is seen as fun, it is necessary and good to go to. I want to raise a generation of people who see therapy as something to brag about. Seeing them with Daddy is something to hold your head high about (although, truth be told, the teddies on the first day REALLY set the tone).

Ken’s other appointment meets at a Caribou and is Echo’s new favourite person. Emanuel and I had a date (gotta spend those moments with one on one) and so Echo went with Daddy… They are sooooo nice, oh and she got to play Minecraft on the laptop… but above all, and what she brings up now EVERY time Ken goes without her, is how nice his employment counselor is.

I have seen how my generation (at least the vast majority I talk to) are so secretive about seeing a therapist. I remember in my youth (during my parent’s divorce) how negative it was to see a therapist. It meant you were broken or challenged or that there was obviously something HUGELY wrong with you. This is a stigma that I have worked hard with my children and those receptive around me to remove.

Medication can only take you so far with a mental disorder, finding the source, the reasons, sorting out the feelings… this is so crucial to a future that is not a roller coaster of healthy and unhealthy life. The ability to speak to someone without a connection to your problems or your personal life is often life saving. So BRAVO you are working on you and BRAVO you know that just talking to those you love is not always enough. And to those who say it makes you lesser, well then they really have no idea how much stronger you are going to be at the end of all this.

This is a very timely subject in my life right now, friends, friend’s children, family… there are many people in my like (and the lives of my children) who REQUIRE help, who WANT help, who have SOUGHT AFTER help… this is something I feel should be celebrated. It is easier to be sick than to get well. That is the scary part. It is easier to give in then fight back. I have always felt victories should be celebrated, no matter how small… and trust me, at times all there is is the tiny victories to cling to. That step into the therapist’s office is huge and the continuing trend of going and being honest and truthful should be celebrated. You have chosen to get well, and in turn, your family will be better for it. What is, at first, a private battle is honestly a wonderful success story for the whole family.

Invisible Illness… it is honestly something I never thought I would have to deal with. How can something so life changing, so detrimental to not only the sufferer’s well being but the family and friends around them be INVISIBLE? How is there no outward beacon screaming my body, mind and spirit are in pain and suffering?

I am sure that by now most of our friends and family and visitors to this blog are aware that Ken has suffered from depression for a large chunk of his life. He is termed CLINICALLY depressed which for our family means he is not simply situational (that is, if things get better outwardly… home, job, faith, etc it clears up) but chemical as well. This means that while counselling is CRUCIAL for Ken it needs to be combined with a carefully created and supervised cocktail of vitamins and medication. Thankfully more vitamins and counselling than medication but it is present in his routine regardless.

Throughout our marriage I have experienced Ken hitting what we term rock bottom more than once. That point in his life where the thoughts of failure, anger and sadness and even suicide are louder and more persistent then the knowledge that he is a good and loving success of a man. As a person looking in who has never truly experienced depression these are scary and life altering moments in my life. It is so difficult to see the one you love, your closest friend, confidant and rock be unable to truly enjoy the little things… knowing that no matter how loudly you tell them you love them and that they are a success in your mind they see failure and disappointment.

Our saving grace was communication (between us and later his therapist) and finding the most amazing therapist we have ever met. Jokingly we have said if she leaves county we go with her… but in all honesty she has helped Ken create such change in his life patterns and thought processes that I cannot seriously say we would not follow her to the ends of the earth right now.

We are lucky; Ken has always had the need to live and be with our family be louder and more persistent than the belief that we would be better without him (which for the record… he makes our lives AMAZING always has, sick or not, always will). Not so for many other people. It breaks my heart when I hear stories from friends and family about how close they have come to making a decision they could not take back, when someone tells me they or someone they are connected to has been hospitalized to get help.

We joke that Ken seems to collect people with like illnesses like a club… so many of our beloved friends and family are also battling this disorder or one like it… bipolar, anxiety… these are no longer abstract concepts but diagnoses I have discussed with more than a few people. And you know what? I am ok with that! We pride ourselves in being an open home. The kids know that Daddy has been ill, that he has been sad and it is NOT their fault. Our home is a place of safety for anyone to talk about their issues, their medication, their successes and failures. So you see a therapist? Well.. GREAT! You are on anti depressants? Thank goodness you are doing what is needed to become healthier and happier. You feel alone? Please don’t, I am here. Even if I can only be a person on the other side of the screen or a hug once in a blue moon! Come to us!

Lately I have been thinking more and more about how depression has shaped the lives of our family. Life had to stop a couple years ago so we could be there to help Ken truly get well. I don’t see this as a sacrifice but more as incentive, because at that point in our lives we were given a gift, an opportunity to work with Ken (and his therapist, psychiatrist, etc) to introduce him to a world of joy. Things that we take for granted… the highs of accomplishment, the joy of the new… these have been deadened for him. So when we stopped the world (as I like to term it) we improved life for all of us.

While it is difficult to say WHEN Ken will be considered HEALTHY on all counts, the joy I see in his process and journey has me optimistic for not cure but… remission? The voice in the back of his head telling him all those negative things will never quite be silenced, choices that are simple for me… just doing a chore I hate for example… will always require a different thought path for Ken, but we are in it together. I see my children being more understanding when someone talks about feelings or can’t describe their illness clearly. I find myself wishing I could just do a little more for those people in my life who could use the support.

This post is my way of reaching out. There is no judgement here, need an ear to listen? A shoulder to cry on? Someone to simple accept you are ill and reaching out for help? If it can’t be me or mine I hope that there is someone in your life who can be your cheerleader and support network. Depression and these other mental illnesses don’t make you less of a person, they make you just that little bit more multi faceted. And while I don’t have my fingers on a cure or a magic fix I do have the knowledge that no matter who you are you are AMAZING, you are LOVING and KIND, you are capable of SO MUCH and with the proper help and mind set so much is possible. It is for Ken, it is for my family and it is for me… We love you!