There are few things scarier as the spouse of a person with severe and clinical depression than a regression or a “slip up” on the new life patterns.

Thankfully my current and more recent experiences with these “lapses in change” are few and far between, but it happens. Add in work stress, deadlines, someone at the office quitting suddenly and equally quickly I see Ken slipping into old patterns. Chores undone, choices in chores a wee bit wacky (he seriously is the only person I know that, when he falls back into old destruction choices finds himself a BIGGER chore to avoid the ongoing list). All I see is a great big red WARNING sign.

MY frustration is quickly felt as household promises fall to the wayside in favour of work and stress. After all, part of Ken’s therapy is the realization that (as long as it won’t endanger the household) it is not appropriate for me to swoop in and do something FOR Ken. That gives him an out, like a child who does a chore badly to get out of it (and I HAVE experienced that, I might add). Rather, I have to (equally frustratingly) sit back and leave the chaos to rest until Ken comes round to the mental and emotional realization that he must stop running from that particular responsibility.

This is all something which, when Ken is in the moment, he DOES NOT SEE. And there is a balance there too, I can’t just scream out DO THE CHORE the second day on, he has to have the opportunity to become self aware (little heads up – we are NOT there yet… quite). Self awareness is a tricky thing. Do we ever clearly see our own actions when emotionally compromised?

There is always, in the back of my head, a little voice saying – “keep aware, be diligent.” I know I have mentioned this before and talked extensively about being the “healthy one,” but sometimes it is a hugely frustrating endeavor. I am not sure WHEN I will ever assuage myself of the guilt of missing cues. Why didn’t I see the spiral earlier on? Why was I so blind to the now obvious suffering of one of the most important people in my life? So there is the additional worry that I will be hyper vigilant or accidentally take to “calling wolf.” (are we all familiar of the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf? If not HERE)

Luckily this newest roller coaster (mini as it was) was over messes at work that were not the fault of himself, and deadlines and crazy hours (like skype at 3 am… kid you not, darn international companies!). What is utterly amazing is that every phone call, ever little WORK related deadline or promise was hit, met and exceptionally dealt with. Just don’t ask about the dishwasher issue, the pictures that need to be hung where tall people live, or the room we tore apart to paint… oops.

on the other side… I am sure we have all pretty much heard SOME variation on that old saying. But is it really? I wonder, at times, if anyone sees MY “grass” as greener than theirs.

If you take the saying literally and look in my backyard (heck let’s be honest, front yard too) it is obvious, the neighbour’s grass IS greener. But, that is mainly because weeds masquerading as grass will NEVER have the plush vibrant green of true lovely grass. So, yah… my grass is not greener if you want to get TECHNICAL.

Now take the saying as a saying… do you see my life as better/easier/greener than yours? I have a somewhat skeptical view when it comes to the idea that someone would see my life as simple and fun from the outside looking in. Let’s lay it out as I am rather sure it appears:

• 5 kids
• homeschool
• stay at home mom
• no license (because I don’t have one)
• husband has been diagnosed with severe depression AND a hearing disability
• one income household
• idea of a good night – anime and crochet

Some good, some bad, some awesome in my mind. But I am not sure it is anyone else’s idea of an enviable lifestyle as much as I love my life. Ups and downs and all. So as a full out overview – my grass seems a little… sparse… but there are aspects… I get to homeschool, I have chosen to have my say fully in their education and embrace it as my life. I get to be at home, with my babies (and honestly, I hate working), which if I am utterly honest is a bit of a double edged sword. My husband is DIAGNOSED, and as far as we have seen CORRECTLY. I wonder if anyone can grasp the huge relief and gift that is. We have titles and names and symptoms and, even more important, a plan to a healthier life.

Now you can envy all you want on that last one – I get to craft… and watch anime… bliss.

I have made it one of my active choices to NOT look at the outside of someone’s life and be jealous or judgmental. What is the saying – still waters run deep? You can see a dictionary meaning HERE, but really what I mean by that is that what seems like a beautiful and gilded life is often masking turmoil, trial and tribulations and so much more. So, unless I want to let myself place a huge amount of worth on the physical possessions of others… well it is so much better to simply be pleased for them and realize that my life is mine. It is the sum of my choices, the result of my experiences. There is a lot of truth in the belief that without the ups and downs you would not be the person you are.

And, when I look deep inside, I like me. I am a good person, I try my best in all things, I love well… I try to live well. Your grass, your choices and abilities and possessions, the are not mine. And that is ok. We all do what we can with what we have.

Now that is not to say I haven’t seen someone’s new toy or home or adorable fluffy, sweet kitty and been a wee bit jealous. Honesty is important, and I REALLY want my own little kitten to love and pet and snuggle. We all are weak to that I think… no, not cats… but to a wee bit of jealousy. But do I want their life… do I want to give up my own and fit into theirs? Nope.

It is really important that, at the end of the day, we see the good. This is something that was super important early on in Ken’s journey to a healthier life, and remains important even to today. At the end of the day I can always see something special, something positive, something ours that happened. The more you can embrace the life you live the less you see the need to gaze at someone else’s.

I think at times I really wonder – would ANYONE want my life? The thought makes me giggle, so many people say they could never do what I do. Good! Because if you did I would be out of a job. And that wouldn’t work. I could not imagine my life any other way. Could you?

Lately when circumstances come up that Ken would previously react highly negatively to we find this conscious movement to reflection.

We are in a rather interesting situation at this point in our journey. Ken is what we basically consider “healthy”, his physical health is excellent, he is able to manage his mental health issues, and change is no longer a massive issue. BUT we are still close enough to the dark and scary that when something comes up… say a frustrating drive… it is still fresh enough in our minds to have us hold a discussion as to the different behaviors and reactions Ken now has to the stimulus.

I don’t know that that will ever truly fade away. I know I have discussed recognition and realization before in my blog entries. (specifically the realization that some things are just never going to go away) I firmly believe that a strong support on this journey is the ability to realize a change, the recognizing of it and the work that it took to complete said change.

We humans are creatures of habit. This makes it quite the accomplishment when something so deeply ingrained in our lives like attitude and quick reactions are altered. And in Ken’s case, significantly.

Holding that dialogue – do you remember how you used to react? Do you have to think about it, pull yourself back? Is it instant now or nearly instant? How does it make you feel when you see your new behavior in action?

Bringing up those negative reactions/thoughts/feelings/processes, at this point in our journey, serves as a reminder of how far we have come. It is a momentary stopping point to take the time and positively discuss something that once was a significant point of contention and hurt feelings in a new light. This was once our experience, but here we are… in traffic… calm and realizing that anger and misplaced frustration gets us no where but into an argument.

Being active in our bringing these moments to the focus, even just for a moment, means that we are fully acknowledging how far we have come. We are taking that moment to be IN THE MOMENT. Discussion releases any pent up frustrations on my part in regards to a period of time where Ken’s internal self destructive thoughts would come out as anger and frustration at me. Discussion also allows me the opportunity to reinforce that even if the change is slight I see it, I acknowledge it and I am PROUD of him.