I know I have mentioned time and time again that our family has been affected by depression on a grand scale, it is a daily part of our life and often dialogue within the house, and within the greater world. This has meant grand and small changes on a very consistent basis.

People have had varied reactions to our choice to homeschool (and have from the very beginning). This is a choice we made when we first married, something we discussed during our engagement in great detail and implemented from the birth of our twins in 2004. But anyway, we have had people laugh, think we are nuts, tell us we will ruin our children, support us with a smile on their face (sometimes this reaction is from the most unlikely of acquaintances), go out of their way to help us find resources and even ask us when we were going to come to our senses and put them in a proper school.

Ken’s therapist stands apart from all that, when he walked into therapy at a low point in his health, where his confidence in himself and his choices was tarnished (in fact, he had sided with some of the naysayers on things that past year simply to avoid arguments and complex situation which was devastating for yours truly) she said explain your family and your home. When he brought up homeschooling she lit up and embraced the situation.

How better to start bringing Ken back into the family and out of his self imposed isolation (seriously locked himself on the computer and in our bedroom while I ran the house like a single parent) than to bring him into our daily lives? Simply have him sit down and read a story, take that first step out the door and walk that nature walk with us while we enjoy Minnesota on a basic level.

Homeschooling is a 5 day a week process for us with a basic and consistent backbone of work and then the varied topics and processes we add as we go. Someone who is actively depressed often cannot slip into that process without resistance and resist Ken did. BUT we had him involved in simple things and through that he reconnected with his kids. Something that was crucial to our FAMILY’S well being.

That is not to say there wasn’t and isn’t hiccups. Part of the process is to give Ken a responsibility… like science, that he will captain. This is a two fold problem. He needs to take responsibility and finish what he starts, but at the same time I cannot allow the schooling to suffer. Give and take, a tug of war, but it is for a good reason. The kids need his involvement and I need the break. Thankfully there is a lovely ebb and flow to schooling. When a month simply does not go according to plan (not a unique thing to be sure), the next month or months compensates.

It is not all sunshine and roses, but that unique bond that is there with the teacher and student allows for interaction and a role Ken can take on and tailor and show the kids that this illness is not going to take him away from them permanently.

This is something I cannot stress enough… while you are depressed, actively depressed relationships ARE injured. You push people away, you put out that false front. Our kids are so much smarter than you think. (HERE) In the middle of your suffering they are suffering too. We all are, I have never felt so alone as when Ken was in full on depression (Capital D depression as we call it). I never signed up to be a single parent (for the most part who does), but there I was coping with everything but rides and minor disciplining, alone. That is hard for the entire family and one of our first steps in recovery and change was to repair those breeches. (not easy, I still have my moments of anger at the situation, guilt at not catching on and sadness for time lost)

Homeschool became the catalyst for that. And while not everyone homeschools (we ARE in the minority right now), there is most likely some activity in your life that would work wonderfully for instigating the regrowth of relationships and personal connections. This is something you should strive for. Contrary to some people’s beliefs we are not islands, we are built for interactions (maybe less so for some but total isolation is never healthy). Any sort of illness will damage or at the very least, affect these contacts. That is one of the joys of becoming healthy, it is a chance to make the repairs a part of your process.

Our entire lifestyle has been altered with the return of Ken’s depression. We are becoming more and more aware of how we need to be an inclusive unit. We cannot allow for someone to hide away in a room for long periods of non productive time (Ken IS a coder after all), to remove themselves from all of the hustle and bustle of a busy family of 7. We need to be inclusive and accepting that this is not an instant thing. Ken took ages to want or have the energy to be involved with us and even today fights procrastination tendencies. This is the reality of things, our reality and really all we can do is embrace it and move forward.

As always I want to thank everyone for their support as I find my voice in this life of ours. I want to extend love and support and acceptance to all that are finding their own path and thank each and every person who is a supporter. No one has to be alone and my family and myself are here!

As well, please feel free to suggest topics or ideas to cover. Many of my newer posts, like this one suggested by a good friend and fellow transplanted Canadian mom (Thanks lady!) are based on a suggestion or even a sentence that triggers a whole new pattern of thought.

15 years later and the one constant in my life has always been Ken. With 5 children and a move to a different country under out belt things have definitely been an adventure, though not always the adventures we have expected. June 16th of 2016 marks our 15th year of marriage. It is hard to believe that those two college kids are now who we are today.

In a world where so much seems disposable and so many things change at the drop of a hat, this marriage has been a foundation and a constant for me. We have weathered our share of storms and railed against the “unfair” nature of things we could not always control… We have celebrated life’s joy and marveled in the gifts we have been given. There has been hope and conflict, love and good byes.

I am sure everyone is well aware that we have run the gauntlet with depression, this was not exactly an unknown for me in our marriage. We just assumed, in our naivety that Ken had been “cured” of his issues and he was able to simply follow the psychiatrist’s recommendation that he, “wean off them slowly” when he relocated from the US to Canada. Thankfully this ongoing experience and journey has created an even stronger bond between us than before. I have to admit, I was a little concerned that healthy Ken would find me less of a desirable partner than he did when he was ill and not knowing it. Well two events later and an amazing new plan and the people we are now are as attractive to each other, if not more so than those silly young things way back then.

We have experienced the lows together and come out stronger and more confident, now I can only image that the highs are going to bring us. (although we have discussed how maybe we emphasized the more difficult words in our vows a little too well… richer or POORER, in SICKNESS and in health… someone out there was listening a little too closely and has a rather rude sense of humour.)

So what can I share 15 years later? Well… we have both grown together and who we are now is most certainly altered from who we were then. Our long term goals have both stayed the same and changed and one of the biggest perks to our long engagement and intent need to discuss EVERYTHING is that we have never had that shock of OMG you don’t want the same thing… but I thought… that some couples seem to have. So I will put out there… talk about EVERYTHING, every little stinking insignificant thing… We knew from the outset that not only were we raised differently in different families but in different countries. No matter what the jokes are Canada is not interchangeable with the US. We found terminology differences, ideology differences, philosophies that did not mesh. So we talked and we talked and we talked. It was tiring at times and frustrating but it was WORTH IT.

Our love has changed, maybe not changed but… matured. Where we once had a “do it like bunnies you are so hot” mentality that I swear is common in most college age love stories at the very least… now we have a soul touching, mind melding love that is beyond the fact that he STILL is so hot to me. We love who we were, who we are and the potential there is to become something even more in each other. While so many people talked about how amazing it was for us to be together 15 years it feels like, to me, that we have barely been together a drop in the bucket. There is so much more time that we have to look forward to (world and life willing), the future is enormous and my travel partner a sarcastic, crazy, sometimes angry but loving American who has only become more amazing through out the years.

The biggest thing, I think, is that our marriage is our own. We are not dependent on our parents’ marriages succeeding, no one else around us’ relationships are detrimental to our own. That is not because they do not matter or on some smaller level affect us as individuals and as a couple, but no one else’s love has created restrictions or dimension to our love. Who you love or leave does not decrease my love for Ken or his for me. We feel sadness when someone’s relationship comes to a close and joy when we celebrate another’s love but our love, our connection is our responsibility and our choice. I chose everyday to reaffirm my relationship with affection and hard work. This comes from deep inside myself.

This does not decrease the amazing assist that seeing and being around other healthy relationships can add to my life. But, my compromises and tribulations are not a result of a turbulent marriage down the block or the fact that those two people across the state are in love. Rather it is the responsibility of myself and Ken to grow and strengthen our bond. Hopefully showing to our own children that love is a wonderful and fulfilling thing to find in your life.

So… 15 yrs later and I see no end in sight. I can only wish this sort of joy to the rest of you. Find someone that makes you happy and if that is not in the cards for you or even a priority (and for some it simply isn’t) find that within yourself, find something you love to do and do it! I hope everyone can find longevity in that be it a person or something else. Thank you Ken for finding something in me that is meaningful to you and making that a priority in your life. I love you!

Annnnddddd now we are onto October… and October of 2015 was a doozy. Not only did we have Halloween to contend with (and 5 costumes of which were all somewhat handmade), but a very important wedding. It is not every day you get to be in a THEMED wedding in a park for a friend who is more a sister to you than pretty much anyone on the planet. AND see her looking gorgeous and feel rather pretty yourself to boot. HERE

Halloween this year was the year of all handmade… each and every costume had at least a touch of our personal handy work on it. HERE.

Echo and zombie (?) Alex

October is also Ken’s birthday and Canadian Thanksgiving… both of which we celebrate.

There is the usual, swim lessons at the YMCA thanks to Nana and Baba… and Home Depot…

Homeschool, of course… when are we not learning something new…

October just happens to be the month when the trees in our backyard look their finest. And then when the ground looks its most amazing. I could not resist a full on photo shoot of everyone and everything. You can see the rest of the leaf pictures HERE.

We really had a crafty and active month.

Spiderwebs

As well as some time with games indoors…

Working on our spelling

With company as well…

Evan

Jeffrey!

Fun with Scouts…

And Sunday School of course!

I have to admit, I love October more when we are in Minnesota… the colours here are so… amazing!!!

 Top it off with random images and what a great month!