That is a question that anyone faces who has learned they have a medical condition. Be it temporary or life changing. It is not a simple question and there is not a simple answer. I know, I know… after FIVE blog posts regarding depression and its impact on myself, the children and Ken as well it is a little like shutting the barn door after the horses have all gotten out to have this discussion NOW but what can I say? Anyone who knows me in person (and even on chat) soon realizes that what comes out of my mouth can sometimes read like a random stream of consciousness. I am told this is additionally hilarious at parties where alcohol is served REGARDLESS of whether or not I am even drinking at the time. 

And while I say it is a difficult question for many, for us there was only one answer – TELL. At first that was just to simplify our lives, to give a ready and open answer as to why at the time Ken may or may not be working full time, why we were curtailing our activities, why he was gone to so many appointments when people were stopping by (often to visit the kids in Canada in all fairness).

But it became more complicated when you look at the degree of openness… do we share that Ken is gone to appointments in a frantic bid to stop any and all suicidal thoughts and or intentions? Do we allow people to know that he was offered a voluntary entry into a hospital for however many hours because when he walked into the clinic he LOOKED like he was run through the wringer? Do we share that all those appointments are therapy and not just wellness checks? That he is looking at potentially a life long dependency (I hate that term…. maybe lifetime lifeline?) on a medication that helps correct the chemical imbalance in his brain? Do we share how close we may have come to losing one of the lynch pins in our family? Or do we just say “Ken is having a rough time of it so we got some help and are moving on”?

So what did we do? How did we decide? Well it wasn’t like we woke up one day and said HEY, let’s lay it all out! Rather it was a gradual opening up… That Ken was depressed was a no brainer… depression doesn’t only affect us… it affected everyone around us. And people were worried about us… we owed those we loved some sort of explanation now that we had it so they too could understand. And that is where it all began… we wanted people to understand. To this day all I want is for everyone to UNDERSTAND. This is because with understanding we can bring about learning and once people are educated on mental health and know the signs, know the harm ignoring it can cause, they can help. 

Illness is not something that makes you an island if you don’t let it. How do we deal with cancer? We create a support group, we pray for the person, send positive thoughts, offer help and a shoulder to cry one. How can we deal with depression/bipolar/anxiety? Funny enough, the exact same way. But… and this is a big and scary BUT… if we cannot open up and share the diagnosis, share the fragility of our soul and our health, share the fear of something so profoundly life changing… well how can the support system begin?

I say all this being married to a man who can come off as a bit of an extrovert, but is, in his soul of souls, an introvert. It was no easy feat to sit there and say… life has come to a halt… we have circled the wagons and changed our lives for something so huge and scary as an illness that we see no true end to. It will never be easy to meet a new friend/family/associate and know that if we want this relationship to grow and prosper we have to make a few honest statements… 

1. Ken has a hearing disability (we use disability as the key term as it is quick and easy to grasp) so if he doesn’t seem to follow your conversation and it is noisy (say the pool at the YMCA where we love to be) it isn’t him being a jerk…
2. We are currently dealing with mental illness. He is doing terrific but it is a process and as such we have a HUGE knowledge of the local mental health and wellness resources. In fact, I often share how blessed we are in our county.

Now not every acquaintance is given the second statement, work associates not so much, someone at church… no… but to make good friends we have to open ourselves up… to admit to weakness is truly a way to show strength… and I believe that wholeheartedly. Those of us who appear the weakest hold some of the greatest reserves of strength and growth. I want you to know our struggle because in knowing it you assist us, you give us the strength through acceptance and interest to educate you, to share with you and to possibly give you some of the tools to see others in the same situation and pass along the help to them.

I think we fear mental illness… we truly know so little about our brains in the overall grand scheme… how they work, how they break, how we utilize them. There is still so much to learn, to adapt to and to grow. And that is GOOD! That means there is hope for those who suffer, a future for those who wish to change and a present for us all to try and utilize more of. 

So do we share? Do we stand up and say… we may not look sick but we are? Do we share and say, “Hey I am dealing with depression” (either personally or through contact with another) and see if maybe, just maybe the other person says.. “Hey me too!”? Do we open up a little bit of ourselves to the public that is scary and sad and maybe a little shy and see if we can reach out to another? Do we stand up and admit we need help, we seek help and maybe in doing so we can give others help? 

I really hope the answer is yes. Do not feel like you are weak, you are strong. You have survived so much. Be it directly or indirectly we have all survived. Ken has found new ways to be the best he can be and in doing so opened some dialogues with others. I, myself have found that in talking openly about my experiences, about the diagnoses and about my feelings about it all I have heard stories and felt support I would never feel otherwise. It is scary and it is huge and at the same time it is small and it is but a step forward. One of many I will continue to take in order for my kids to see it is truly ok to not be ok right now. Because… we WILL be ok later… 

So once again… for those of you who suffer… don’t feel you have to be silent. I and my family are here to listen, to try and understand and maybe, just maybe, say ME TOO! And for those of you who support… THANK YOU! You are life changers and miracles and crucial to the process! 

If you want to read the other posts I have written on this topic I will link them here. They will open in new windows and there are 5 of varying topics THERAPY, FAMILY, THE HEALTHY ONE, THE CHILDREN, and PROGRESS. 

Yet life changing and life sustaining…

We have experienced this first hand, with the initial rush of movement there is a lull… a necessary lull. First comes the massive (for some) realization that there is something Wrong (with a capital W). For us it was the concrete and stable plans for suicide or self harm becoming alarmingly loud in Ken’s mind, as well as his realization that he simply was not feeling Happy, not even little h happy about things. There was a lack of the life long roller coaster you and I experience of happiness, excitement, joy intermingled with sadness, anger, frustration etc.

Once the person who is suffering from a mental illness comes to this massive and life saving realization things happen quickly. Of course, I can only speak from our experience but I hope it is helpful… medication is prescribed, voluntary hospitalization is offered in case of necessity and doctor/therapist/psychiatrist appointments are quickly lined up. This is almost mind numbing in its speed. After all, the individual is admitting to thoughts and feelings that are highly detrimental and dangerous.

After this comes the medication. Ken explains it to me as a build up in his system. Amounts are determined by increase or decrease of a gradual nature and for him the thoughts are quickly quieted a little, but with it comes side effects… exhaustion, distracted thought… again a quick thing to start…

But this seems to be where the speed ends. The side effects to the medication that you gradually get used to, or diminish themselves all occur over time… The initial danger is over and the sigh of relief that comes with that but that is where the real work begins.

I know there is a saying – don’t sweat the small stuff… but I think that in the life of a family touched acutely by depression there is a new saying – celebrate the small stuff… so you all managed to get out the door to enjoy the sunshine! There is a great moment to smile and laugh. The number of naps and exhaustion level have decreased post med adjustment… well that is a great reason to take a movie night. Therapy has been gone to consecutively and found to be helpful… well that means it is time for a family walk or bubbles in the yard.

Note my idea of celebrations isn’t wine and caviar. That is fine and dandy if you can afford it, but really a celebration can be a smile, it can be reveling in the moment, taking a walk with the family, cuddling on the couch and rehashing the good stuff. There is something to be said about meditation and self realization. About taking a moment and making it stretch and giving it more relevancy.

Grand change that is swift and all encompassing are not part of the long term solution, I am afraid. Rather, this is a long haul… but it is such a life enriching, life changing and life ensuring procedure. And, if celebrated properly and shared and committed to it will change you, your family and those around you for the better.

The key is to not let go, well… there will be some bad, some sad, some angry that we can’t help but let go (in fact, it is the best choice) but the good, the lovely, the amazing, the romantic and silly… if we hold on tight to THESE moments then they will sustain us through the steps backwards, the momentary lapses and the internal rage over a process that simply cannot be rushed.

So basically, what I am trying to say is this… there isn’t this great fight towards a cure. Not for those who are not situational. Instead, it is a long marathon to becoming healthier, to becoming in control, to finding a way to manage the negative emotions and thoughts and be able to feel joy and peace. So it is not a sprint to the finish, there is no huge party at the end. Rather you are going across country… there are pot holes and cow patties but there is also beautiful scenery, friendship and a future… and all those things are worth celebrating. Every pot hole you survive, every dip in the emotions, every fall back that you recover from… EMBRACE IT! CELEBRATE IT! 

And if you really feel like you can’t, well tell someone, tell me, tell a friend… tell ANYONE that you succeeded and if they are truly on board and truly understand they will help you see your success. They will teach you how to accept praise and cheer along with you. And as they teach and support you, throw a little love their was. Because really, we are all a little broken. And together we can ALL be a little better!!!

Once again… I want to say – no one is alone. I am here, my family is here… if you need me or someone else… reach out. Well done at getting this far and GO YOU as you run your own marathon the a healthier life!!! (Again, to read the other posts in this series on Depression and our family go HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE.)

Well, I am not the ONLY “healthy” one (as was discussed last entry that is a part of my mental health saga series) in this not so tiny family of ours… We have 5 kids (obviously) which are currently ages 12 through 5, which I gush about often here on the blog. I am a stay at home mom who homeschools all 5… just laying it out there. So our kids are home with us and around our family situation at a near constant basis. This has been instrumental in Ken’s process and been implemented into his therapy itself. I am not saying this is optimum for ALL people undergoing the process of returning from severe clinical depression, but for our family, having Ken thrust into our day to day life and education plans forced him out of himself and the thoughts we are committed to if not silence, prove false and quiet.

Because of this constant interaction and the children’s progressively deeper understanding of life in general it was never an option to keep the situation completely out of their scope. I do want to stop right here and clarify, we have NOT discussed anything to do with Ken’s suicidal thoughts/plans/intentions… this is not a discussion that I feel my children are ready to deal with and grasp, but WHEN they are it will be something I sit down with them and frankly share. I joke about the 1 in 5 statistics and how we live it with our 5 kids… but I am more than aware that there is a potential (especially with Ken’s family history and his own severe case) for any or all of our kids to at one time or another suffer from this mental illness.

Now at the same time we have created a house that is open for discussion. We are pro therapy of course, and do not hide from the kids that Ken is on a regiment of medication and vitamin supplements (once again this is overseen by his therapist and psychiatrist and NOT something we take lightly… doses are prescribed for a reason people). We have often discussed how Dad has had a hard time feeling positive and happy, so therapy and his medicine help with that and make it so he can be with us in a better way. I have made a conscious effort NOT to hide Ken’s appointments. The kids are not privy to the content of the therapy sessions, but they are well aware that Dad goes weekly and WANTS to go. That if they felt they needed to come with and talk about the situation they are welcome. In fact, Mom has gone a few times to check in and be involved.

Out of necessity we have discussed in great lengthy Dad’s hearing impairment. I would LOVE to say this has taken instant effect and the kids are always careful to not crowd in and talk at the same time or slow their speech BUT… well we are on a great learning curve right now. I am a firm believer in the idea that if I explain these seemingly grown up issues to the kids in a way they can understand they too can be a part of the healing process.

But I ask you, do you seriously think we could have kept it completely from them? There is a saying – Little pitchers have big ears. Basically be careful what you say in front of children… for all that they seem deaf when you ask them a question or tell them to go do a chore, that whispered conversation in the front of the van is heard clear to the back. I would rather they sat down with us and were given proper information than they picked it up here and there and then repeated these little nuggets to the world at large out of order and improperly.

Our children are our future and for mental health and mental illness to ever be properly addressed we really need to continue our education with them and as soon as possible. Echo does not care that Daddy goes to therapy, in fact, she loves tagging along to see his work aid. The boys are well aware that Dad was not as happy and involved as he is now, they are SO pleased when he takes interest in their assignment or pitches in on a science project.

The road is not a smooth one, feelings are hurt when we have to cancel for an appointment, and sometimes he returns too drained to be involved with us… we are still trying to strike a balance with what Ken WANTS to do in regards to education and family and what he CAN do or can AIM for. This does slow my process down with planning and at times a project just MAY go on a bit longer than expected… BUT having that additional involvement in our school of Ken and his own interests and skill set is a win win for us all.

I think that having the whole family participating in positive ways as a healthy unit is an important part of the healing process. We are not just healing Ken with his series of issues and diagnosis but we are healing a family that wasn’t even aware it was hurting. That is the most amazing part of this process, before we were aware we were hurting we were healing. When one of the family is in need we are all in need. I think that this process is filling a void that we didn’t know existed.

So basically, while I think that keeping many of the details of an illness from children can be the best choice… telling them all about how feeling super sad and having emotions you simply cannot deal with as an adult means it is absolutely ok to go talk to someone and seek help allows them to see that as children those sorts of emotions are something to share and talk about. Silence is really one of the biggest stumbling blocks in healing mental illness, let alone diagnosing it. 

Well, here I end this entry… and as usual I end with a reminder… for those who are suffering, either in silence or as they seek help… we are here with you… those who support others… we applaud you and hold out a hand to hold in solidarity… because EVERYONE should know they are loved, know that WE love you! Reach out, talk, share and heal. It will make us ALL better people!