Is it a privilege or something of a minor burden? I know that question sounds VERY selfish… and it probably is, but I find that as the person who is considered healthy it crosses the mind. In the grand scheme of things I am VERY thankful that I am blessed with a healthy and balanced mind (and for the most part body and soul). I have never experienced the lows of true clinical depression or the roller coaster of bipolar. I admit to anxiety here and there, but I think that is honestly a part of the human condition. We get anxious, we fight through it. Sometimes we win and find coping strategies, sometimes it overtakes us and we need assistance. Like I mentioned in my therapy blog post previously, there is absolutely NO shame in that!

But… at the same time… you are the outsider looking in, the cheerleader with no power to change the process, the speed, the outcome. There is a feeling of absolute dependence from time to time, I find. I am dependent on Ken to follow through on his process, to embrace his changes in order to attain his healthy lifestyle. I am relegated to the sidelines often when he comes home with a new strategy that only he can accomplish.

Yet, at the same time I am instrumental to his process. I am there to remind him, to support him, to pick up the pieces when something doesn’t work or he finds the burden of daily responsibilities too heavy in tandem with these new skills he so desperately needs and wants.

There is a weird experience of being silenced and yet heard at the same time. I can speak and it is a toss up as to whether or not my words will reach him at times, not by choice but a combination of his own existing issues (like the hearing disorder) and a lack of skills to process my ideas and my speed (and yes, I am well aware that I am a max level multi tasker with a high level of self motivation and perfectionism…). Sometimes it is my suggestion that is the solution, sometimes it is my confusion that exposes an issue… But at the same time, my methods, my “ways” aren’t heard or can’t be assimilated.

I know I have had my moments where I have wondered, is it so horrible, having the support… therapists, psychiatrist, doctor, people asking how you are (and sometimes even sitting long enough for it to be more than simple courtesy). Having a team and a network of people to all want you to be better, worried about you, working with you?

And then… I blink… and I remember the fear we had when Ken admitted those horrible thoughts were back. That he had plans in his head with manageable steps that would lead to me no longer having my family intact. That those ideas and such will never quite fade away. Where I have momentary doubt and frustrations he has the inability to truly walk away from it. Medication and vitamins and therapy, a lifetime of having to consciously change patterns that are easy (or easier) to ones that are safe or healthy… and all of a sudden I am reminded that maybe I should just look to my own support group instead.

And that is what I think is crucial for the one who is “healthy”. You may not have a team of medical professionals but you CAN have the ear of a friend. It is not wrong or bad or even embarrassing to admit to a good friend that the responsibilities you face weigh heavily. Or admit even to the person who is struggling through mental illness that you have fears and concerns. Or maybe visit a therapist to unload (We have gone a few sessions as a couple. It is amazing) It is hard to celebrate the victories and progression if you do not face the uncertainty and the concern.

So the benefits, when you are not sleep deprived, worried about your family and feeling guilty about not seeing how ill he really was sooner (yup still dealing with that one, even though Ken AND his therapist say that is not on me. I just love him so much and it feels like I let him down by not noticing sooner… and then he reminds me that his like max skills as deceiving even himself subconsciously when in the throes of depression), are amazing when you are the healthy one… YOU get to be there as they get better and better and reap the benefits of that. YOU are their main support and that means so much to you both. YOU are (apparently) an inspiration to him and (sometimes) others… or at least so you are told. And most of all, YOU are not chained to a disorder that could haunt you for the rest of your life. Instead you are instrumental in helping someone else break free as much as they can.

My experiences have led me to realize that those moments of “woe is me” and “why am I having to always be the healthy one” are crucial in that they remind me that I am human. I can have those down times, they are ok, they are not horribly selfish and meaningless. Rather, it is part and parcel of dealing with something so life changing and, hopefully in the end, life improving. I am not guilty of horrible things, rather I am working through my own process of healing, because in the end I was hurting too. Just my hurt is in turn healed as Ken heals himself.

So, once again… for those who are seeking help… we salute you… ok we send out tons of hugs. (I am not much of a saluter)… you are not alone, you have us in your corner… and for those of you who are supporting those brave and somewhat broken souls… well you aren’t alone either. Our shoulders are here, our ears open and hugs are always available! NO ONE needs to suffer alone! We LOVE YOU!

I know I have brought up therapy before in passing in previous blog posts regarding our journey to healthy living. I don’t know how I can every emphasize enough that medication without therapy is not the optimum solution. It is proven time and time again that you need a full body/mind/soul examination to get on the road to becoming healthy on a LONG TERM BASIS. I can tell you right now, I speak from experience. Not the personal experience of a person unwell, but of the person standing there wishing they could do more but watching while an unbalanced plan simply falls to pieces.

This is not my first rodeo as they say… In the span of my relationship/marriage to Ken this is the SECOND time we have experienced the severe lows of full blown depression. The first time (which is years ago now) we began on the right path. He took himself into the doctor to explain things just weren’t right, he was put on medication (Zoloft or some sort of like brand has, and still works best for him) and taken to a counselor. This is terrific, we were able to stop the world and get him help. BUT in Alberta at the time, this was a stop gap. Said counselor would then (on the psychiatrist’s recommendation) find him some sort of group or continuing therapy within the confines of our location and basic healthcare.

The reality of this is that not all locations are equal. Not every area has enough therapists, or even psychiatrists. I have had friends who simply saw their GP for all medical managing. Ken was placed in an AMAZING group therapy program that worked wonders… for a time… and then the doctor in charge was transferred and the rug was pulled out of the program. Job done, keep seeing your GP, maybe a psychiatrist and we will hope for the best. The reality of that is that it was NOT the best… When someone has not seen a therapist or entered into some sort of counselling program, while the medication may be helping and the severe thoughts quieted, that person is NOT healthy. They are on the path but just like a long hike has signs and tour guides… you don’t drop a depressed person an a stack of pills and say… Cool you be good now.

Left to their own devices are they going to take that necessary medication? Without dealing with the issues that have led them to the horrible compulsions and thoughts do you really think they are just going to poof away because they alerted one doctor (or maybe more) that something isn’t quite right?

We don’t expect cancer patients to just become healthy after a treatment, there is follow up. We shouldn’t expect people suffering from anxiety, depression, bi polar disorders to struggle alone. And that is where therapy comes in. Now I am all for sharing with friends and family. As Ken says – Sharing is Caring… (and then we all groan and I have to hold myself back from decking him), but when you share with a loved one or a close connection there is the risk of holding back (for their benefit and your), the fear of rejection… therapy comes without those stumbling blocks.

Not everyone, as I mentioned before, can afford/access therapy. BUT there are options… if you are religious (or at least open to religion) there are many churches where the minister or someone else within the church who can be your sympathetic ear. That is what they are there for. I, myself have talked to my fair share of ministers throughout my life. They have been a support and a safe place for me during many tumultuous times. Often you can go into your county offices… public health in Canada… they will have posting, pamphlets or even a knowledgeable person who can work out your options. We have found many therapists actually have a sliding scale according to your wage and circumstances.

More and more people are trying online or e-therapy. I do not know much about this version of therapy other than it is a way for people who simply cannot make it in person to carve out an hour and skype and interface with a trained therapist over the computer. Talkspace.com has an explanation with the main reasons why someone may chose this option HERE. In the end what is important is a connection on some level with the person you are talking to. If you can find that via Skype and that works for you, job done. There is further discussion at the bottom of the page linked about TEXTING therapy. I do not know anything about that, nor have I done any research, but I stand by my statement… the form that works for you is SUCCESS not what works for the other people around you.

There is no shame in asking questions. NEVER feel ashamed for working within your own resources to get the very best help you can get.

Of course there is more to therapy than just finding an office. You really do need a good connection with your therapist. We really lucked out with Ken’s she is accepting of his rather, unique humour… she acknowledges and supports our homeschooling and has even worked to implement it into his therapy (creating a deeper connection and healing some of the wounds inadvertently made as he fell into a deeper depression previously)… the connection he forges with her allows him total honesty and in turn we have seen him accept her direction fully and work to truly create a sustainable lifestyle of new patterns and coping skills. This is all possible by a COMBINATION of medication, therapy and the WILL/WISH to be well.

I really want to emphasize this… all these measures, medications and external support are going to come for naught if the person in question does not WANT to be healthy. Therapy is a vehicle to get you on your way but you have to put in the effort (gas) and steer yourself. It is up to the rest of us to work hard to remove the taboo and the fear and disgust some people still see as attached to the idea of seeing help from a professional. I believe it is up to us to educate ourselves and our children on how amazing and productive this choice is. There is nothing to be embarrassed about when you have the strength and the will to seek help. Instead we need to embrace these individuals, celebrate the step and share our experiences. I have seen time and time again when we mention our love of Ken’s therapist that others feel they too can open up or even ask where he goes. It scares and saddens me to think that there are people out there suffering in silence because they don’t feel that they can seek help.

So let’s see… sum up… medication alone is not the optimum way to treat mental disorders… therapy is an amazing tool… there are many versions of therapy and many providers… find what works best and is most affordable for you and RUN WITH IT… therapy is something to be proud of (you have made a huge step and sought help)… this is something we need to teach ourselves and our children…

And as always… our home is open, our love is here and you are NOT alone. Take heart, the journey may feel long and difficult but you don’t have to travel it alone. We love you! Please feel free to share information or suggestions in the comments. I try to check them as often as I can. I could not resist sharing this little meme… There is work to be done and not just for those who are suffering… we need to learn to acknowledge the struggle and not expect them to just… snap out of it.

When we are discussing Ken’s diagnosis of Clinical Depression it is no longer possible to do so as a stand alone issue. This seems to be a common thing I have found when I talk to other people suffering (and healing) from a mental disorder, the combination of multiple diagnosis. Often you hear about depression with anxiety, or a phobia… possibly the underlying diagnosis is the lead in to the depressive tendencies.

For Ken we have also had to learn how to deal with a rather interesting hearing disability known as – Central Auditory Processing Disorder, or CAPD. I know, not a commonly known thing. In fact, I am still learning about it and I do believe so is Ken. BUT it has answered some questions as to behaviour and issues in conversation and public settings Ken has had. Let me share the noticeable symptoms in adults as is found in the Wikipedia article Ken found me (if you wish to take a look at this highly technical article from the start go for it); adults with this disability/disorder tend to:

• talk louder than necessary
• have trouble remembering a list or sequence
• often needs words or sentences repeated
• have poor ability to memorize information learned by listening
• interprets words too literally
• need assistance hearing clearly in noisy environments
• rely on accommodation and modification strategies
• find or request a quiet work space away from others
• request written material when attending oral presentations
• asks for directions to be given one step at a time

Now for anyone who knows Ken well as you read this list light bulbs should be blinking on all over the place. Especially if you have ever rattled off a number for him to input in a computer or phone… yah not happening. That really is the sign of a spot on diagnosis… do one or two of the items on this list apply to you… NO pretty much ALL of them do.

I think before I discuss a few of the symptoms Ken has and how they affect everyone I will try and explain what CAPD is… Ken found me a couple websites (beyond Wikipedia) that do good job of talking you through it. First off a bit of an explanation as to how this disorder works with the ear and hearing explicitly:

When a person has central auditory processing disorder (CAPD), the part of the brain that translates what the ear delivers does not function properly. The person with CAPD can hear sounds, but how the brain translates those sound is disrupted, and the end result is a garbled message. (EXCERPT FROM)

So basically your actual hearing is not impaired, there is no hearing loss per say. Sounds are normal volume and clarity in that respect, the problem is in the processing and the brain. So when you hold a discussion with someone with CAPD they are hearing your words, but once they go to sort out the conversation and their response to it, that is where the problems occur. This is distinctly different from the more easily diagnosed deafness or hearing impairment that we are all more familiar with. Another way to think of it is like a short circuit (NOT MY ANALOGY). The information comes in but is not making it to the correct destination in the right order or as a complete and clear message.

Ken has always been unable to spend a lengthy time in crowds. People always joke that if there is a comfy couch you will find him, halfway through the night, asleep on it. Well, this explains that a little. What most interpret as anti social introvert (now don’t get me wrong, he is that as well to a degree) was really a survival mechanism for when he simply could not handle the constant hard work that participating in conversations in crowded and loud room requires of him. The average adult is quite adept at filling in blanks in noisy situations, carrying on conversations with distractions and generally filtering out nonsense and unneeded stimulus. What CAPD is (at least for Ken) is where the brain simply cannot handle all of that stimuli in an organized manner. Often multiple conversations in a room (even if you are only a part of one) hold too much distraction to keep sentences organized and recognized as coming from a specific conversationalist. That is just an obvious example of course.

I have actually discussed the interpretation of people’s words issue. Ken will often lean heavily on semantics. This makes more sense (and honestly sometimes it is just to tick me off…) when you think about how as he is listening to say a procedure or some sort of directive he is not processing 100% of it. To make up for this he needs total clarity on what does make it through. Like a radio cutting out, you try your hardest to figure out what is coming through and extrapolate to create a complete series of steps. Ken is constantly dealing with his brain recreating the cutting out radio. Of course, to deal with this necessity he often jokingly brings up semantics and plays around with being a stickler for over detail. I personally feel this is often an attempt to soften, for the rest of us, the way Ken has to deal with conversations. It is not like he is completely unaware as to how complicated and frustrating it can be to be asked for greater and greater detail when all you want to do is say – JUST GO DO IT ALREADY.

Now the trick of this disorder is that it is hard to diagnose, people who have it tend to compensate for it, some better than others. Ken’s depression really put a damper on that. With anti social behaviour enhanced and as he phrases it his “Give a F” (you can fill in the word there I am sure) very low… well the depression lessened the need or wish of his brain to create a bridge across these difficulties. When you are not in a good mind set introspectively it often quickly and drastically increases and additional effort you need to make to sort out the externals. This is rather apparent when you speak to Ken on many topics. All this is bundled in with a genius IQ (I kid you not, tested and everything… this is one girl who will NEVER take an IQ test… no need for that humiliation) and creates and external personality that seems ill equipped for many of the situations that we “normal” (I hate that word… maybe average?) people find so simple – crowds, rattled off telephone numbers, verbally given steps or stages for tasks… these all become mountains instead of mole hills.

The whole family has learned (even before we knew we needed to) to adapt to how Ken hears us. Now don’t get me wrong, it can be utterly FRUSTRATING to tell him something on the fly only to have him look at you blankly and say he got nothing of that, could you please repeat it. At which point you inevitably cannot remember A WORD YOU SAID! BUT it has slowed our speech down at times, words are better enunciated. Patience is a virtue that is slowly being improved upon.

Our family has become a family of lists and notes. When one person cannot remember offhand a list of anything we all have tended to finding a paper and pencil. The twins take great joy in leaving requests on the chalkboard, a piece of paper, the boogie board (wouldn’t I love a few more of those!!)… often meant just to be humorous it is a visual reminder, an opportunity for the kids to practice spelling and writing skills AND a bit of respite for Ken who then does not have to attempt to remember yet another spoken item.

There is something to be said for compromise and adaptation. And really with any disability that so acutely affects any of your 5 senses it is inevitable. I am proud of our adaptation and our work to be a home of openness and all encompassing compassion and love. So I will end this blog entry as I have all the ones regarding our journey and say YOU, you that are reading this are ALSO welcome in our home and in our hearts… You are NOT alone, we love you and we are celebrating your successes as you take your journey to become a healthy individual!