Lately I have spent quite a bit of time in introspection… looking into my personal motives, my decisions, my belief systems and my personal strength. It is difficult to be a good parent and NOT do so on a consistent basis. I have to admit a great amount of fear that something I do now on a whim could negatively affect the lives and futures of my children. But then doesn’t every parent worry about things like that?

In the past 6-12 months I have spent a great deal of time attempting to delve into and determine my needs and wants in regards to my personal faith. What do I see myself as? Where to I feel that I need to be in my belief system? Even down to the nitty gritty – WHAT do I believe? It has caused me no small amount of amazement in regards to how I have changed in this facet of my life. I remember almost 20 years ago finding my life was based upon my belief in Christianity and my identity as a Lutheran. It was that belief and the people who shared them that helped me through my parents’ divorce and the difficult growing up I had to do when it was completed.

Now, well now I am finding that while I do find comfort in being a Christian and I still identify best with the Lutheran church that no longer encompasses my entire belief system. My world has expanded since then, especially when I entered college and started to really start looking into WORLD religions and philosophy. Horizons certainly expand when you look at other belief systems with an open mind.

Move further on in my life and I find myself friends with a variety of people from a variety of backgrounds. Faith is NOT our basis of friendship though it is often a basis of wild and wonderful conversation. My own brother is now openly a practising Pagan and my mother spending much of her faith journey looking into Buddhism. I, myself have moved from needing the church community as my pillar of support and the focus of my life. Though some of that does stem from my experiences as I looked further into becoming a minister in the Lutheran church and was turned off by the politics and divisions within the  greater church.

My children are enrolled in Sunday School in our German/English Lutheran church which for me was a necessity. At the age they are at in their class they are being taught a wonderful moral structure and enjoying an experience that was highly influential in my life. But myself, I am finding myself getting my moments with divinity on my own, in my daily experiences and moments of calm and peace. Which makes me wonder what I truly believe… am I truly Lutheran? I don’t personally feel that being a Lutheran is defined by how much you do in the church or whether or not you go every Sunday… but does that walk side by side with what the greater church defines itself as? I honestly cannot answer that question right now.

I think the only way I can explain it is that my faith journey just just that – a journey. I am not walking away from a lifetime of belief and comfort BUT the world is definitely a large and exciting place. There are so many other amazing beliefs and a large part of my cries out to experience and see what else is out there. I know for MANY Christians that is not appropriate… one God one belief one religion… I like to think of it as many paths to a feeling of one with a greater being. I think that what is in store for me is a great big adventure and my best bet is to embrace it – and as I do with all things – ask LOTS of questions!

So two days into the week and we are finally seeing some sort of resolution on the Van Epic… apparently we are not the only people who suffered from this though it is NOT common. I guess we are just the loudest? And proud of it of course! The high up the food chain gentleman out on the east coast says “things look good for this week”… be still my beating heart… wait… that is not a definite at all! How… par for course at this point. So again cross your fingers. Oh, and for those counting – tomorrow will be 2 weeks from the first Baliff stopping by!!

With the boys all sniffly and runny nosed we didn’t get a lot completed today BUT we did do a fun and easy Spring craft project using paint and paper and the boys’ own hands. TULIPS! We have a little patch of the sweet flowers in the front yard that the owner’s wife put in well before they moved south. I am debating doing a garden in flowerpots for the boys  this year as I do not want to dig up any of the front or back ground to make our own. Depends on available funds and time though of course.

Creating Our Tulips

Finished Product

This morning I drew up a tentative idea for the May sampler… what a wonderful way to reinforce that I CANNOT DRAW! Oh dear I just had to sit and laugh and Ken had to sit back and figure out what the heck I drew! The exciting part really is when Ken takes that “drawing” and makes it into something stitch-able. I am hoping once the Van Epic is over we can even get our patterns up for sale and free download in the near future. I do have quite a few gems sitting in waiting but since Ken is the one who has to do the uploading my hands are tied.

So tonight is raid night for Ken which gives me the evening to work on the commission. And then crack the whip to get Ken going on the next 3 projects I am waiting on.

What a day… walks, paint, general kid chaos. Tomorrow probably more of the same (after all where can we go?). I have to say what angers me is all this started because of MEDICAL leave and here it is Wednesday, no vehicle and the potential of Ken missing a SECOND group therapy session… I mean the whole point is to DEAL with the issues  that led to this situation and here they are potentially making it WORSE. What a great deal they gave us!

And on that note back to the commission and the potential of a near finish! Completion always makes me feel better… after all our favourite saying in this house is now – FINISH WHAT YOU START!

Bundle Up, Get Out and KEEP BUSY!!!