is that if you are in a state of constant balance and rational thought process one has to wonder if you are truly living outside your self made limitations. I know I have talked previously about expanding past what you are sure you can do and into new terrain (right now I am deep in my recorder lessons with the intent of moving to the piano eventually!) –HERE-. There is a level of discomfort when we step outside and try something unknown.

The reality of life is that safe is truly NOT safe. We are created for change, for challenge and for growth. To sit where we are safe and rational and completely in the know is to ignore these realities.

In fact, sometimes those feelings of safety and careful comfort are masking a greater problem. I am not suggesting you run out, quit your job of X number of years, join the foreign legion and start a new, that is just… well… insane? But, to sit there in the comfort of constant familiarity and ease for ALL facets of your life is neither stimulating nor healthy.

A challenge can simply be reading a book that expands your knowledge base or makes you think. Extending out of comfort could be trying for that promotion you are not quite sure you will get. It can be adding something new to your routine, trying to meet new people, attempting a new skill. It is bumping you out of your absolute norm and finding something to stretch you out a little.

The reality of life is that we are not rational and calm and balanced, we are full of doubts and fears, joys and celebrations, anguish and tears. We are silly and stubborn, cuddly and prickly, we are opposites rolled into one being. This is somewhat of a balance, you can’t just be silly… cuddly and joyful… that would make you a kitten. But at the same time a lack of balance creates opportunity.

Ken explained to me that with Depression there is a huge amount of uncertainty and discomfort. Things are not balanced, they are way out of whack. BUT there is a drive to distract. This is where you convince yourself that the reality of life is calm, collected, rational. This all leads to further UNHEALTHY lack of balance. So we have to balance our lack of balance… be rational in the midst of irrational thought… embrace it all and make sense of the combination.

Definitely easier said than done. I know that I have my moments (and I am considered the balanced and “healthy” one). Tears over the dumbest, most random things… and I don’t mean pregnancy hormones cuz – NOT POSSIBLE THANK YOU. Unsettled thoughts of worry and angst go hand in hand with a yearning for a balanced and easy/rational/simple life. Remove the idea of scripted/created drama and I have to admit – I am yearning for a farce. I don’t truly want easy balance in all facets of my life – I want to stretch and grow. I want to learn new skills, teach my children new things, do one outrageous thing every so often (ok outrageous to ME maybe not the cooler masses). I want a basic structure of security and balance but, well, too much comfort makes you complacent.

Complacency in and of itself can lead to even more problems. When we get into a rut, into a cycle we often don’t see the total picture. We don’t come across opportunities with the same mindset, and that is a shame.

So basically, life is flux and yet not. Change and stability fight for dominance as we try to figure out what we CAN change and what MUST stay the same. We will always be figuring out how to live in the reality of life with depression. There will never be a “cheat sheet” full of easy solutions. And that is ok. 

The reality of living is that we don’t know what is going to happen, we can’t control all the variables and we really don’t have all the answers. BUT we can get the tools, build a support system and accept the challenge. 

This is another reality that has become very clear to myself and Ken (through speaking with his therapist). There is no true cure for clinical depression (I have discussed this before). There is managing and something of a remission. But there is no out and out we are done with this YIPPEE we are free. And that is ok. This is something we have come to grips with, rationalized about, realized the reality and come to a point of peace with.

Invisible illnesses, mental illnesses, are frankly often something we don’t work to eradicate, rather work to manage, maintain and at the best control. Known quantity to most people… right?

The things that catch us unawares are those that are often symptoms and learned behaviours. Some so deeply ingrained that really you are not going to have them go away.

For our family it is the ever looming issue of PROCRASTINATION. Now, I am by nature, NOT a procrastinator. I am a go at it, get it done kind of girl. Nothing is more satisfying than tackling the issues (even in parts and over time) and managing to hit deadlines and goals. Give me steps and processes and I am your girl. Give me a simple form and a pen and I will sit down and it RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

Ken… well… I remember back in Canada (when we thought he was better, but apparently he was not in hindsight) when he had a form to fill out – something simple, to go back to the government about something to do with his status. Being an adult and all that I let him be, until the date was coming up. He rationalized the not doing it yet as – he was mad at the government for this seemingly duplicate and annoying form so he didn’t fill it out yet… to stick it to them???

Ok… rational and somewhat healthy adult mind goes – WHHHHHAAAAA? What it really was was that Ken’s full blown inclination to procrastinate was totally kicked into high gear. Why do now what can be done the day before a deadline (and believe you me… that is something that drives me MAD – I was a paper done in college weeks early kind of girl).

The reality of our situation is that procrastination is forever a part of Ken and his personality. Where I am like – let’s get this DONE. He is always on the other side tugging back and trying to slow down. It is subconscious (which makes it even harder to deal with) and persistent. It is also diminished as he gets healthier. BUT it is not going to be “cured”.

I think we all have these little… personality quirks. That trip us up. Kid you not, I am really horrible at saying no. I have a hard time hurting feelings (some jokingly say I am stereo-typical Canadian to the core). This leads to emotional investment in making people happy to a degree that is not always healthy for me.

It is on me to work hard to diminish the pull to be something of a people pleaser. Yet, I am always going to want to do it. That is the reality of it.

I think that we are used to adjusting and altering these personality quirks in a “regular” lifestyle. But, you add in mental illness and there is almost a feeling of let down or sadness that this more minor issue (compared to full blown depression) cannot be eradicated.

It can be hard to realize that BETTER or DIMINISHED is a good thing. In fact, compared to the overwhelming pressures of depression these smaller issues are so less dramatic and dangerous on their own that they really are NOT the huge deal they may seem to be when isolated and discussed.

We cannot expect the removal of a personality trait from a person who is NOT suffering from something like depression, bipolar, anxiety… anymore than we can look within ourselves and see to the destruction of some less than savory traits of our own in a healthier mind and body.

Our personalities are a combination of the good, bad and indifferent. While we can improve and alter ourselves we have to realize that we are who we are. The frustration at being unable to completely change a character trait is acceptable, but only if we also work equally as hard to control it. Blame cannot be liberally placed on it being who we are. Instead we need to know that about ourselves, accept outside support and realize that life is what we make of it.

So while Ken works against his instinctual need to procrastinate I have an opportunity to say WAIT you know we want this done in time. It is not easy on either side. He feels an urge not to, and when it becomes a sore spot often seems to be angry at me, when in reality he is angry at himself. Me, I am battling my need to be super fast and ahead of the curve and my frustration that once again Ken seems to blame me for his action. But we talk it out, we share and we try. And that is all I can ask for.

I try very hard to be an understanding and supportive partner. I think for the most part we all do. But in the case of illness, can I truly understand? This is a question I struggle with often. The most “depressed” I have ever felt is really reflected in my previous post in this series about the “Sads.” I have never felt the pull to hurt myself, to end my existence. My sadness and anxiety, though equally relevant is fleeting and often wrapped up when whatever event or trauma I am experiencing is resolved.

I have never felt like I am drowning in my self. Never believed that things could not improve (though I have questioned the length of time improvement takes). All of these experiences are foreign to me on a base personal level. BUT on the other hand… from an outsider watching someone suffer and struggle I feel like I know way too much.

Empathy, sympathy and compassion are three very different things.

• Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
• Sympathy is feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune or an understanding between people; common feeling.
• While compassion is sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

Empathy in the case of someone who has not experienced true extensive depression is not really possible. I have to rely more on sympathy and compassion. Compassion is key in a relationship where you simply are not able to put yourself into their shoes. Really, I don’t think Ken would ever WANT me to have that ability. To have someone in the family who can stand up and say I see optimism and joy, I see future and possibility. That is a gift.

My gift to my kids and my husband is that I can sit back and smile, I can find happy in the sad. I can show compassion in my actions when made aware of need. But it is a careful offering. Pity is not what someone who is fighting for their mental well being needs or wants. Reaching out, being an ear or a shoulder for tears, this all has to be offered without a poor you mentality.

Understanding isn’t always possible but it also isn’t necessary to have compassion and be supportive. I don’t know that I will ever understand what is going on in Ken’s head, not entirely. BUT I can listen, I can offer up help, suggest changes to our routine and be open to work towards a greater level of understanding.

So I will never understand completely what Ken feels/felt and has gone through. I can understand what is explained to me, try to comprehend from a removed position. But I will never be able to walk in his shoes. And for that I am both grateful and a bit sad. I want to be as much help as I can, but as Ken has told me… sinking down into depression so I can understand at that basic level is NOT a help. Sometimes it is not just that I cannot understand but that it is better that I DO NOT.

My goal is not to strive to understand but to strive to accept and to show compassion and patience. I want to be a support and to be a support I don’t have to have walked in his shoes, but rather be willing to be there for the journey onward. A compassionate shoulder, a quiet and supportive ear. I can be a foundation support while he builds a whole new structure around his new set of goals and healthy choices. 

Goals and love… seems to be quite the common pairing for us! I hope that anyone who is going through this is aware they are not alone! As always, I would love feedback!