There are days when I absolutely HATE IT here. Days when plans are set up and fall apart before I even get my breakfast made or eyes completely open… Days when I feel like an outsider looking in, like I have to edge and shimmy my way into the completely developed and full lives of the people around me.  Days when everything I USED to do is void, impossible or silly to do here. Days when a tradition we absolutely adore is not something we can easily recreate here. Moments when it is right up in my face that we are not where my life has been for over 3 decades.

I miss the group of people we developed over time and moving in Canada… I miss being with the person I have considered a best friend for at least a decade… I miss slurpees and poutine at the end of a bad day… I miss people coming to our house like there almost was a revolving door installed in the front of it… I miss seasonal parties full of people dressing in the appropriate colours with silly food and stories for the kids… I miss the ease of knowing that we have done the same thing for years and with some alterations and adaptations would continue to do so.

Creating a new social life with 5 kids in tow and no community connections pre-established is not easy… nor fun really, when you consider that as extrovert as I may seem on my blog or in my own home, outside these walls I am much more introverted and nervous. I do not drive, am PHOBIC of driving actually… curl up in a ball and cry at the thought of being in control of a massive object hurtling down a street with other massive objects driven by lord only knows who… so when people tell me it is easy, you can do it, or just go and get that licence… well… not so simple… though I am sure the idea of taking 5 small children to a grocery store should seem at least a little daunting to ANYONE!

I am working on meeting other homeschooling families but as it stands right now we are friends with schoolers and people who work 5 day a week (generally) jobs… so the weekends are key… why do I hate this place right this moment? Well for no other reason than the silliest – plans got cancelled with valid reasons. So why the hyper emotional reaction… well… 7+ months here and I have a list…

1. we still do not know when or where we are going to end up permanently… so things like finding a church take on a whole new complexity as we do not want to set down solid roots in one place and then move so that it is too far away and have to start over.
2. where we are right now is NOT homeschool mecca…  there are some lovely schools here so people move here FOR the schools… thank goodness the neighbours are nice AND understanding… on one side the kids play after school even though they are older than ours and on the other he has the patience of a saint with the kids’ questions! Oh and in the back… THEY have a dog that tries to fetch snow.
3. I flat out miss my friends and family.
4. A lot of the things we enjoy, foods, celebrations are NOT available here, not possible or not popular…
5. As it stands right now I am missing the wedding of my dear cousin who is more a sister than a cousin anyway…

I hate that we have gone from being the ones who host to being the ones who hope to find something to do with SOMEONE some day of the week.

But I love the joy I see on my husband’s face when he goes out to game each Wednesday with his friends from high school… the happiness the kids express in being here and seeing people they had only previously been TOLD stories about. I love the fact that this is the healthiest Ken has been in years. I love the stability even though it is not on our own perfect terms. I love that Ken’s family is now a part of our life in a way that was not possible from Canada… I DON’T love the snow, but then I didn’t that much in Canada either…

So when I step back and calm down and breath I do realize that being here isn’t the end of the world, but every day a visit falls through or plans are cancelled does cause those emotions to flare up. We simply do not have the consistency in dates and times to see people on a regular basis, some weeks are downright lonely. And that is ok. I do so treasure the visits and time we DO have and the moments that do create that feeling of being home. 

I am sure that as time goes by those feelings, and really the situation will change and fade… but right now, this minute.. I hate this place. I am sure that tomorrow I will be happy with it again but today… just today… I hate this place.

I know that during Lent a lot of people give up something for the season. I have done so in the past. The discussions that seem arise from this practice online and in person as a result have brought me to wonder about the question of wants vs. needs. In moving down to Minnesota from Alberta Ken and I had to face straight on the question of what we want to have vs what is absolutely needed. In the final cut of our own worldly possessions we discarded over 3/4 of them as wants and kept a storage unit and a van full of needs.

It is very humbling to realize how much baggage, both figuratively and physically we collect in our travels through life. We look to others and compare, what they have, how simple their life looks, how easily their wants and needs are met and in doing so we lose track of what we have and truly need.

Ken and I fought for many years to remain in Canada, through his illness and the result of that, through instances that were born out of circumstances both out of our control and a result of choices made with the best of intentions. It was in the process of STOPPING, PRAYING and THINKING QUIETLY that I realized as did Ken, that our problem was not a lack of will or intent but a lack of listening. We were ignoring the signs (out of hope and faith in things working out) that we were NOT where we NEEDED to be but where we WANTED to be.

In letting go of the wants and letting the needs sort themselves out in front of us the path we needed to take opened up. There were sacrifices, good byes, decisions to be made and processes to begin but they occurred and in good order (how often do people manage to decide and up and go to the US in a little over 2 weeks without major issues??). I must admit, the lining up of all those little ducks and the ease of the process further opened up my heart and mind to the fact that this rather large and all encompassing decision was the RIGHT one.

We started to realize that we WERE where we NEEDED to be at the right times. Echo is now 100% heart healthy because we fought as hard as we did, the children experienced many “Canadian” things as we made our move possible through being where we needed to be… good byes not normally possible were said and gifts were given all as a result of our listening with our entire selves to what the world was telling us.

Now that is not to say that in decreasing the clutter, admitting the needs and making the move we did has made everything simple. We still need to work towards our own permanent residence and my permanent status, get the kids their dual and set down those very necessary roots in faith, friends, family and schooling… but the path is much less scary.

What this process has done is opened up my mind to how much I have held onto… how many worries, bad feelings and even physical things that really, in the long rung will do me no good. Instead I have been able to start fresh in some instances… we are planning our new home with the intent to buy what is NEEDED and not create a house full of selfish wants. We are teaching our children that major change can be an adventure and that starting fresh is not the end of the world. We are creating stability in a world where stability must, in the end, come from within.

What I challenge you to do is this, in some facet of your life where you have great dissatisfaction ask yourself – is this where I NEED to be, is this what I NEED to have, or is this just a question of wants? Where needs are satisfied the heart can have some peace. Lets those wants come when it is possible for them to be fulfilled or let them fall to the wayside. I am going to continue with this hope and prayer for the rest of my life. The path I am walking has never been the simplest – we imported Ken, the twins born so early, downsizing, health concerns, etc etc. but the future is bright because we are continuing to create a life that fulfills needs and in time will allow us to enjoy some of those wants.

The true challenge is to find joy in who you are with and what you have beyond all things. (Gavin left)

I remember when I left for Minnesota various people up north worried that with distance they would miss out on the kids… I really hope these photos are helping… and that the rest of the world is not bored out of their minds by the extra entries…

Woah!!

With sheep

Sisters

Holding hands

Pretty bitty baby

Me and my girls

Z-O-M-G JUST me!

Stringing buttons

Building with sticks

Birthday buddies

Fun in the great outdoors

A girl and her dolly

Rainbow letters