There are days when I absolutely HATE IT here. Days when plans are set up and fall apart before I even get my breakfast made or eyes completely open… Days when I feel like an outsider looking in, like I have to edge and shimmy my way into the completely developed and full lives of the people around me.  Days when everything I USED to do is void, impossible or silly to do here. Days when a tradition we absolutely adore is not something we can easily recreate here. Moments when it is right up in my face that we are not where my life has been for over 3 decades.

I miss the group of people we developed over time and moving in Canada… I miss being with the person I have considered a best friend for at least a decade… I miss slurpees and poutine at the end of a bad day… I miss people coming to our house like there almost was a revolving door installed in the front of it… I miss seasonal parties full of people dressing in the appropriate colours with silly food and stories for the kids… I miss the ease of knowing that we have done the same thing for years and with some alterations and adaptations would continue to do so.

Creating a new social life with 5 kids in tow and no community connections pre-established is not easy… nor fun really, when you consider that as extrovert as I may seem on my blog or in my own home, outside these walls I am much more introverted and nervous. I do not drive, am PHOBIC of driving actually… curl up in a ball and cry at the thought of being in control of a massive object hurtling down a street with other massive objects driven by lord only knows who… so when people tell me it is easy, you can do it, or just go and get that licence… well… not so simple… though I am sure the idea of taking 5 small children to a grocery store should seem at least a little daunting to ANYONE!

I am working on meeting other homeschooling families but as it stands right now we are friends with schoolers and people who work 5 day a week (generally) jobs… so the weekends are key… why do I hate this place right this moment? Well for no other reason than the silliest – plans got cancelled with valid reasons. So why the hyper emotional reaction… well… 7+ months here and I have a list…

1. we still do not know when or where we are going to end up permanently… so things like finding a church take on a whole new complexity as we do not want to set down solid roots in one place and then move so that it is too far away and have to start over.
2. where we are right now is NOT homeschool mecca…  there are some lovely schools here so people move here FOR the schools… thank goodness the neighbours are nice AND understanding… on one side the kids play after school even though they are older than ours and on the other he has the patience of a saint with the kids’ questions! Oh and in the back… THEY have a dog that tries to fetch snow.
3. I flat out miss my friends and family.
4. A lot of the things we enjoy, foods, celebrations are NOT available here, not possible or not popular…
5. As it stands right now I am missing the wedding of my dear cousin who is more a sister than a cousin anyway…

I hate that we have gone from being the ones who host to being the ones who hope to find something to do with SOMEONE some day of the week.

But I love the joy I see on my husband’s face when he goes out to game each Wednesday with his friends from high school… the happiness the kids express in being here and seeing people they had only previously been TOLD stories about. I love the fact that this is the healthiest Ken has been in years. I love the stability even though it is not on our own perfect terms. I love that Ken’s family is now a part of our life in a way that was not possible from Canada… I DON’T love the snow, but then I didn’t that much in Canada either…

So when I step back and calm down and breath I do realize that being here isn’t the end of the world, but every day a visit falls through or plans are cancelled does cause those emotions to flare up. We simply do not have the consistency in dates and times to see people on a regular basis, some weeks are downright lonely. And that is ok. I do so treasure the visits and time we DO have and the moments that do create that feeling of being home. 

I am sure that as time goes by those feelings, and really the situation will change and fade… but right now, this minute.. I hate this place. I am sure that tomorrow I will be happy with it again but today… just today… I hate this place.